“You Are a Priest… Thank you.”

I think enough time has passed that I can write about this particular encounter… It took me a long time to do so because it affected me in many different ways, and I needed some time to process it. The sad situation brought about many mixed feelings and questions, ranging from guilt to helplessness, from confusion to sadness. I asked myself many times how I could have done more for a brother priest… I often reflected on what happened that day and repeatedly reviewed the scenario in my own prayer times. I think I am able to see the hard but valuable life lesson now, so please bear with me as I share it with you. 

A few years ago, a priest who was struggling through a very dark time came to me a few minutes before a (Saturday) Vigil Mass. He came asking for my prayers. We were acquainted through various meetings around town, but I do not know him well. He often showed up (unannounced) at my parish for Mass when he was going through a challenging time but always left early before I could catch up with him. I tried to reach out to him through email, but he did not answer. Surprisingly, he showed up before Mass that day, knelt down, and asked me to pray for him.

Even though I could do very little to help with his situation, I felt the need to reaffirm his priesthood. There was very little that I could say to alleviate the emotional and spiritual pains he was going through, and words seemed to be insufficient to express what was properly needed to say (because he was suffering tremendously). I remembered feeling a heaviness deep within my heart, but I also felt like God told me to say what I really wanted to say to him (as a brother priest).

He kept kneeling before me in the sacristy as he asked me to pray for him. Before we parted ways, I told him: “Father, no matter what happened or will happen, you are a priest forever — according to the order of Melchizedek.” Perhaps he did not believe what I said or felt unworthy, so he put his head down, but I continued, “Look at me, Father, because I really mean what I am saying! Father, thank you for your priesthood… for giving your life in loving Christ and His Church.”

That conversation remains with me until today and I go back to it often… and I often cried when I recalled that particular memory in prayer. Even though I could not do anything to help a brother priest, and what later happened to him was unfortunate, I knew I had to let him know that I was grateful for his fiat to the priesthood.

I truly believe that his priestly vocation was given to him by Christ through His Bridesmaid, the Church.

On a similar note, I was asked by a younger and newly-ordained priest a while back how to healthily accept and cope with priestly challenges. He reached out to me on a social media platform. I wrote back to him, saying: “Father, thank you for your yes to the priesthood. Keep on loving Christ and the Church. That’s the secret! You’ll be hurt by others, and you can never please everyone. At times, too, you’ll be misunderstood and can’t seem to be doing anything right… but that’s OK! Be humble, genuine, and transparent with those who love and are entrusted to guide you. Check in with your support circle and be willing to receive wisdom and guidance from them. Persevere and choose to learn/grow from your mistakes or shortcomings!!! Remember that this is a vocation, not a job. It is a lifelong journey and not just a temporary or short jog. Don’t be afraid, and be open to learning… you’ll be fine! God bless you.”

Believe me, there were times when those similar words of advice from other priests helped me through my own trials and hardships. Their words of encouragement were my source of strength. As with any other vocation, the priesthood is not easy because it is not simply a career or job option. It is a lifelong response to love!

For us, as priests, this is our very own personal and loving response to the intimate, personal, and immense outpouring of love that the Lord first has for us! I have said it before and will continue to say, “The only reason I am a priest is because I know deep within my heart that He loves me. If God is not real and if He does not love me, never in a million years would I ever choose the priesthood! I am here today because my heart would not let me let go… because I love Him… and that is why I am a Catholic and a priest. I am who I am today because He loves me, and His love is real.” I know that it means very little to people who do not believe, doubt, or question the existence of God, but for me, it is not a question of whether He exists or whether I am loved by Him. My heart knows so, and that is why it belongs to Him.

Contrary to popular beliefs, I do doubt and question His providential timing and permission! Sometimes, I asked Him why He would permit something to happen or when this injustice, pain, hurt, or suffering would end. I know that He loves me and wills my eternal and ultimate good, but it is so hard at times to accept the opportunities to grow, mature, and be more united with His Sacred Heart — the Heart that was pierced for the love of us. No one likes to suffer, be mistreated, misjudged, misunderstood, or endure wrongdoings, which is why it gets very hard at times to embrace hardships and trials. There are times that we, as priests, do feel rejected, abandoned, forgotten, or pushed away by the different circles and levels in the Church. We are like leaders in the trenches, trying to hold the line with the commands given to us by the higher-ups, but our very own troops are resisting, angry, frustrated, or resentful because they do not understand the real reason behind the decision. At times, it feels like no matter what we do or decide, we are easily condemned, thrown to the wolves, or used as sacrificial pawns by all sides.

On top of being misunderstood and questioned by the higher commands, we often get caught between all social, political, and ecclesiastical conflicts, disagreements, and violent verbal exchanges, too. In a day and age where everything can easily be accessed at the push of a button or fingertip, people easily become very vocal on how they judge, react, or want to express their opinions on different matters. Too many people read some things and make immediate assessments and judgments on particular theological viewpoints or lines of thought. Nonetheless, they lack the patience, wisdom, and humility to seek a comprehensive and in-depth understanding of the holistic and integral Catholic teachings throughout the ages. Therefore, so many people just come on to social media and other communication means to express their narrowed and particular opinions on how things should be instead of really informing themselves of the whole truth. Thus, to be in the middle of many unsatisfied people, getting vented, yelled, or dismissed by them do get very easily tired at times.

There were days that I thought to myself, why could I not just be in the office, coding or programming something, or at least be working in a less stressful or conflict-centered environment?!? While it is enticing and very tempting, I know that this is not what I am called to do, for this is never a job! This is my vocation, my response to what He has called and given to me, and in particular, my personal and loving gift to Him and the Church for what they have given me. While I cannot satisfy and make everyone happy, I can do my best to be genuine, honest, humble, and true to Him in prayer, discernment, words, actions, life, and deeds.

In the words of Fr. Henri Nouwen, I am called to be a wounded healer.

I am imperfect and fall short. I am wounded by my past and held back by my human limitations. And unlike the Lord, who was perfect and lovable but chose to be wounded for our sins, I bear my wounded human nature and all its shortcomings, weaknesses, imperfections, blind spots, struggles, and limitations. I struggle each day to choose to do what is right and what is asked of me out of love for Christ and His Church! I struggle not to choose my own will with its desires and likings. I struggle to love those who do not love me, complain so much, dislike or have ill will against me, and especially those who I think are meaning harm toward me. Yet, in the midst of all of these tensions, hardships, trials, pains, and sufferings, I am reminded that He did not ask me to love only my friends, companions, and likable people but to love my enemies, those who persecute, hate, and seek to hurt me. It was He who taught me to bear all wrongs, to be wounded by love, and to embrace all sufferings in order to choose to love and love as He did.

By His wounds, in all His pains and sufferings, He saved, redeemed, and healed us from our egotistical, selfish, and enslaved sinfulness. He died out of love as the expiation for our sins, thus giving us a true example of what it means to love, even when it hurts. Therefore, to truly love is to be like Christ in our willingness and forgiveness, commitment and desire, especially sacrificial perseverance and endurance to bear all things for love. This is what He calls us to do as His disciples, and this is how we imitate, emulate, and embrace the love of Christ Jesus within our very own hearts of hearts.

We become wounded healers not because of our self-centered abilities but through how we choose to unite ourselves in and through His love for others. We heal this hurtful, egocentric, individualistic, and hopeless world by choosing to give love through self-donating acts of choosing others’ goods and sacrificial embrace of wrongdoings, pains, and sufferings. When we are true to ourselves, we know deep from within that we do not have to prove ourselves to anyone, save everyone, or try to be pretentious in pleasing those who are dissatisfied. When we know who we are, we know that we are nothing more than His children, disciples, and instruments of loving peace.

This is not easy… it is very hard! Yet, this is who we are called to be as priests and laypeople — as disciples of Christ. In a very particular way, we are called as priests to conform to Him even more so that our words, actions, life, and deeds become meaningful acts of love in persona Christi. Therefore, my brothers and sisters, I know that we will not make all of you happy because we all have our limits, shortcomings, and failures, but please remember to really pray, reflect, and discern your actions before you react, dismiss, or attack others who are not up to your standards. We must remember that we will never make everyone happy and satisfied, nor can we do everything right, proper, and good for all because we are just human beings who try to love and serve others according to our vocation and state of life.

I know my brother priests have been tested and tried a lot of times, and the temptation to give up and walk away has been real at times. Nonetheless, we are still here because we are still trying our best to live our vocation — no matter how imperfect it can be. So, to my brother priests, please remember that you are His priests, and I thank you! I appreciate your vocation and sacrifices, especially in embracing celibacy and offering up the gift of having your own family for the sake of the Kingdom. I understand it is not always easy to be spiritual fathers, and ministry can be challenging at times, but we must not give up on loving our spiritual children and serving the family to whom we have been called to give our lives. Our children will not always understand, like, or appreciate us, but we must be faithful in doing the right things and seek help from wise guides and gentle directors when needed. I love you and pray for you each day. And I would invite the laity who read this reflection to pray and be kind to their priests, for it only takes a short moment to express gratitude instead of adding one more complaint.

To my brother priests… THANK YOU, Fathers, for your priesthood.