“Lord, Why…?”

Everyone wants to quote the Sacred Scriptures and say they are devout Christians. Everyone can buy something Christian-like at a local decoration store and say their family and household follow the Lord and are believers. Everyone can attack people on television, be outspoken and critical of others using the news, or become very verbally offensive on social media for the sake of righteousness (to see who is a better Christian than the rest).

Many people say they are Christians, but I wonder how many are willing to seek holiness, to let go of everything to truly love, follow, and give their whole life to Him. Indeed, we have a lot of commentators and spectators, but we do not have enough genuine Christians willing to bear all things for the sake of love. It is hard to choose to love, believe, and be faithful, especially when whatever standards of judgment or criteria of happiness we have set up for ourselves no longer seem to work or are falling apart. Perhaps the only thing we can say to God sometimes is, “Lord… why? I just do not understand… but I love you.”

The saints have told us in their numerous spiritual writings and guidances that when we want to seek the good, change our lives, begin a new chapter of life willed by God, or desire to live for something greater than ourselves, the Devil and his minions will do all that they can to deter us from truly seeking the truth and what is good for us. They will first tell us what we can or will miss if we let go of our old or current lifestyle. Like typical liars and manipulators, they will try to paint a false picture with what seems to be sweet temptations, desires, and likings. They want to feed on to our natural human desires that are fed by nostalgia, hedonism, or unrealistic matters that make us somehow think things could or would have been better if we do not change and stay where we are comfortable. When that does not work, they will begin to attack us with obstacles and trials to make us lose hearts, give up, or make poor choices to abandon or not follow through with what God has desired for us.

The evil ones dislike our desire to love God and to follow His will, so they can and will everything to throw tempting and hard obstacles in front of us. They can even use other people to hurt us too. I still remember to this day, one of the most valuable pieces of advice that was given to me by one of my spiritual directors when I was going through a very tough time in life, doubting God‘s goodness, His providential timing, whether if I am going to make it, able or really chosen to be a priest or not. In one spiritual direction session, my spiritual director told me, “Khoi, we all do things with good intentions, for very few people — perhaps they are unwell — who do things with evil intents. However, the Devil can use our brokenness and weakness to turn us against one another. They make us obstacles in each other’s ways and in His providential will for us. Therefore, trust that if God leads you this far, He will lead you through it. You can choose to love those who are hard to love as He has loved you — by how you pray for them.”

That advice saved me from the despair, doubt, and hopelessness caused by the situation and relationship. I really wanted to give up, leave, and abandon everything then. That person made me question and doubt whether I was a good priest because anything and everything that I did was a cause of frustration, anger, irritation, or agitation. That person threatened me with the thing I value the most in this life and used it to make my life worse. I lost many nights of sleep and was so worried and distracted in my own prayers because of anxiety and frustration. I could not be happy because I allowed that person’s judgment and portrayal of my character to define me instead of who I truly am in front of God. At that moment, I allowed human voices and dictations to control, manipulate, and lie to me instead of listening to His voice. I let the vocal and threatening voices silence and muffle the only voice that gave me peace and rest. I allowed humanity and its selfishness, no matter how good the intention might be, to dictate and control my life, hence shutting out God‘s love when I needed it the most.

Nonetheless, He continued to love me through the people who cared and loved me more than myself. He gave me life through those around me when I thought there was nothing meaningful to live for! God allowed me to receive and be loved when I was so shortsighted and blinded by the mountains of problems and heavy storms of life. He was always present and loving me even when I was so occupied, worried, frustrated, scared, angry, and doubtful of whatever was happening. God was always present and never left, even when I questioned Him and His providential loving care for me. He loved me even when I failed to recognize and doubt His goodness.

Therefore, as a priest, I try to affirm one’s ability and power to choose for oneself to be freed and to begin a new life beyond fears, manipulations, lies, abuses, or dependencies. I received numerous calls from family members, partners, abusers, liars, manipulators, drug dealers, pimps, handlers, bosses, traffickers, or people who did not want to lose control over the person who came for help and chose a new life of freedom. They threatened me and told me many different things about how they were going to wreck my life, hurt me, or “watch your back” because of what I had done! I experienced similar things often, to the point that those threats do not really scare me as much anymore. I can only do what was and is right because no one has the ultimate or real power to control, dictate, or manipulate us, even though they might seem to find, play, possess, or have the “right” words or actions at the time.

When we want to choose what is right and seek that true freedom and new life in who God wants us to be, there will be people and forces in this world who do not believe us, do not want to lose control, and who will do what they can at all costs to keep us deterred, enslaved, manipulated, depended, and give up. I have seen this in numerous people and cases, as well as in my own life, so do not let those factors determine and dictate their lies and make us give up the truth and liberation that can only be found in living out what God has willed and meant for us. The evil spirits can feed on jealousy, envy, anger, frustration, and even violence to deter us from seeking and being willing to live what the Almighty has in store for us! It will hurt and get very discouraging, and our lives might be filled with anxieties and sadness, too, but do not give up. When they want to hold us back, find the proper, supportive, and encouraging help from the false cycle of manipulations, lies, and abuses. We can free ourselves from what is enslaving and controlling us, for we are true children of God, made in His image and likeness, with the dignity, courage, and ability to overcome and truly be free to live according to His loving will for us.

It is important to find a good support group or circle of friends who love us enough to keep us accountable, honest, genuine, and humble so that they can keep us on the straight and narrow when we are being attacked, bombarded, and shaken by the destructive discouragements, lies, manipulations, and controls. I cannot emphasize the necessity of finding help and receiving support from others so we can overcome what seems to be catastrophic obstacles and hurts on our way! The people who love and care for us, who can call us out and keep us accountable, are often the faces of God and His loving manifestations of grace in our times of need. From them, we learn to receive love and be able to give it, for we are not individuals but communal beings who are brothers and sisters along the way.

Life will not be easy, and choosing a life in God, conforming to the truth, and becoming what He calls us to be is extremely hard. The evil ones know it and will do all they can to discourage and deter us from giving ourselves totally and completely to Him, who loves us so much! That is why, no matter what is going on in your life right now, no matter how hard it can be, do not give up and give in. Each of us will have to remind ourselves of the ultimate price that we are willing to pay, endure, and bear to truly be free, honest, true, and simple as He wants of us and desires for us. It will not be easy, and we will waiver, question, or doubt His goodness and plan, but no one can ever rob us away from the love that we have in Him who truly loves, will, and desires our ultimate good beyond any and every one of our imaginations! Sometimes, all we can do is cry or feel overwhelmed when things get hard, and all we can say is, “Lord, why…?!?”

Nevertheless, do not give up and keep on fighting for He is with you and I. We might not be loved, understood, and appreciated by all. Still, if our conscience is honest and true, keeping our way straight and narrow with people who love us and keep us accountable, we can continue to humbly walk with the Lord, who is the One who will justify, vindicate, and save us from all evils.

May His loving peace be felt, embraced, appreciated, and treasured.