As a Catholic priest and military chaplain who deals with a lot of visible and invisible wounds caused by the past, traumatic events, familial, relational, or simply deeply-buried personal issues. Many times, I get the typical but similar set of questions about God‘s presence and timing, doubting why He is somehow absent or was not able to help them in their times of need. They can be legitimate concerns when a person cannot see beyond the hurts, pains, or sufferings right in front of them. Nonetheless, they are also important reminders that our God is in it all, even when we cannot or cannot see Him in the bigger reality than the immediate trials and hardships. Therefore, I would like to share with you what it means to care for people who are hurt and how to help them find the Almighty in what seems to be a dark void and emptiness of life.
First, as helpers, we have to know ourselves. The reminder sounds so cliche, but it is easy to go down the wrong path of being pulled into the chaos, being triangulated, or becoming a part of someone else’s mess because they want or desire us to be a part of their miseries, struggles, or problems. We can be compassionate and present to the people who need us, lending a helping hand or a listening ear that really cares, but we cannot take on their problems. For people in ministry or those with an affective, sensitive, and caring heart, it is very important to know our boundaries, shortcomings, blind spots, and limitations. In order to truly help someone, we need to know ourselves; otherwise, we will easily be manipulated, guilted, shamed, or pulled into a vicious codependency circle. Self-knowledge is the most essential, important, and foundational building block of being affective and caring people.
“To thine own self, be true” is an important reminder, not just for substance dependency or abuse support programs and groups, but it is also a sober reality for each and every one of us. If we cannot be true to ourselves, seeing our very own selves as who we truly are, we will not be able to help others see their own selves beyond their imperfections and blind spots. Each and every one of us has to recognize that there is a subconscious and innate desire to save people and fix their problems as human beings, especially as caring or effective people. Nonetheless, if we do not know our limits and boundaries, especially in being honest and checking our inner and deep desires, we will become someone we think we would like to be to “save” the other side, be liked by them, or needed somehow. Let us be honest in recognizing that there is always an innate and egocentric desire to be a part of someone seeking our help or depending on us, and we are constantly struggling with this seem-to-be-natural tendency that can be an obstacle in becoming an honest caregiver! We cannot care for someone and pull them out of their own ruckus, problem, challenge, or storm if we want to be a part of it or get pulled into it.
It is so important that we set proper and clear boundaries so we can assist the other side instead of being involved and pulled into the chaos itself. It happens very often and so easily! In knowing who we are, especially being very honest with our very own blind spots and desires, as well as our baggage, struggles, and limitations, we will save ourselves from unhealthy manipulations, triangulations, or transferences by the other side (whether they are intentional or unintentionally done). It is a much-needed sober and humbling reminder that we cannot pull people from their storm toward God if we do not know ourselves, our limitations, and our dependency on Him.
For an (imperfect) example, I would not be able to save someone drowning because I am not a good swimmer. Heck, I cannot even swim well by myself, so I know I will not be able to help others! Both would drown because I am not capable. Therefore, if non-life-threatening emergencies arise involving big bodies of water, I will try to call for help and find other viable means first. As a matter of fact, even for those who think they are good swimmers, there are numerous repeated cases when they get hurt, dragged down, or killed trying to help those who were in distress as well.
The analogy can be applied to spiritual, pastoral, psychological, and medical caregivers! I know it might sound petty and carry a “not trusting in God enough” or “doubting yourself too much” kind of talk, but I know my own personal limitations and accepted what I cannot do very well. The hardest and most humbling lesson I learned as a young priest is that I cannot save everyone. I had to learn to accept that too many people think they need help but are not ready to change their lives. It was easier for them to pull me into the constant and repetitive chaos instead of letting themselves seek the right help to be out of the storm. Furthermore, I had to accept that I will never be able to help a person if he or she is not willing to help, committed to change, and humbly seeking constant support.
I had made many mistakes trying so hard to prove to myself and others that I could save certain people from their own perdition, hardships, trials, or messiness of life. None of those cases had ever worked! The intentions were good, but no one can help a person unless he or she is willing to be helped, seek help, and continue to desire to receive support in the long run. One can talk much and want many things, but if there is a lack of personal commitment and willingness, that person will relapse and fall back into the old lifestyle and its typical habits. Change is very hard because it requires a lot of personal willingness, commitment, and sacrifices! Therefore, as caregivers, we need to own up to our desires to act, prove, or try to be saviors and make others our objective cases, projects, or missions for whatever might seem to be the reason. Simply put, there are many reasons why professional and pastoral helpers burn out when they make something or someone’s business and livelihood their “pet” project or personal mission to prove something to themselves. It requires personal brutal honesty, sober reality, and theocentric humility to know when not to be someone that we are not or not capable to be at the present moment.
Second, and most important of all, we have to accept our limits in helping those who are not willing to be helped, especially those who talk and blame others for their problems but will never accept their own faults. Of course, we cannot control others nor really have the power to tell them what to do! I know this is hard to accept, especially if we try so hard to empower and help them overcome whatever they are struggling or going through. The only real “power” we have over a person depends on how much they are willing to internalize and personalize the conversation, message, and empowerment we give them. One can only change if one stops seeing other people as problems, trying to live as someone else, proving something to themselves, manipulating, using, or playing around with others.
Those who think that the whole world is against them, blame others, and can never see their own problems could never be healed, help themselves, or be of help to others in genuine ways. They can operate and function well professionally and are nice to those who only work, know, or interact with them as acquaintances or on the outer levels. Nonetheless, those who truly know them know that they are harmful to themselves and those close to them until they accept help and conversion of heart. People who are hurt but unwilling to find the proper support and better ways will always end up leaving a lifetime of hurt to others and themselves (physically, verbally, mentally, or even sexually) because they have a deep sense of self-loathing that destroys them deep from within.
Toxic, unwell, or unwilling people can hurt others unintentionally, and it happens all the time — more than you will ever know or see immediately! That is why if we do not know our limits and boundaries, their messes and problems will be transferred to us, and we easily or unintentionally absorb them as our own. This is how codependency and unhealthy relationship begins, and it is very important to know when to stop and walk away instead of thinking that we somehow have to save, change, and rescue everyone. I have seen and known so many people, myself including, who have been hurt by people who constantly use them, pull them into their messes and problems, blame others, manipulate and play around with other people’s emotions, feelings, and desires that they end up burnt out, tired, angry, resentful, and become new initiators of the same toxicity that is fed to them. There has to be a stop and acceptance of when to walk away and let go! Knowing when to stop being manipulated and pulled into chaos is very important, which might seem contradictory to what we are called to do as caregivers. True caregiving requires honesty, transparency, humility, and vulnerability to those who can keep us accountable.
To properly care for and support others, we need our own circle of support and help, too, or else we will end up being problem solvers and fixers of other people’s mess but cannot help ourselves. The most unfortunate thing is to be able to do anything and everything for others on the outside but end up bitter, resentful, and/or angry deep from within because they are burnt out or left with little to nothing genuine, substantial, or substantial to give. When we cannot be honest and take care of our own selves, we have nothing to offer deep down from within! We easily become like those who have manipulated and pulled us into their own problems; sooner or later, their chaos becomes ours, and we lose our peace. When we lose sight of who we are and what we are called to be, we easily become lost, pulled apart, and all over by everyone, and end up hating ourselves and others out of anger, resentment, or a deep bitter sense of loathing. If so, we must humble ourselves and ask for help. We cannot be present or care for others if we are unwell.
There is nothing wrong with admitting our limitations, weaknesses, and shortcomings, as well as our tendencies, desires, problems, or personal baggage. If we cannot be true to ourselves, we can never be true to others. If we do not know our limits and who we are deep from within, we will become someone we are not, yet lost, angry, and bitter. We cannot give what we do not have! Therefore, it is important to be true and honest about who we are so we can effectively care for others as we are able in all of our imperfections, limitations, and shortcomings.
It is possible, even though very hard at times, to help others find God in their struggles, hardships, trials, challenges, and present storms, even in what seems empty and void, without being pulled into and becoming a part of them. It really begins with us, and it begins with us leading people to recognize that they need God in their lives and find help beyond themselves and what we cannot offer! It is perfectly fine to say we cannot fix or be able to help everyone because there is only one Savior and Healer, and even He cannot help those who are not ready, able, and willing to receive help from others.
I Thirst (John 19:28) with Father Khoi 