A few years ago, when I began my ministry with the United States Air Force, I had to undergo one of the harder experiences in my life. Even though I was coming in as a Chaplain, I had to complete the full eight-week Total Force Officer Training School with the rest of the direct commissioned and officer trainees preparing for active duty, their Air National Guard, or Reserve units. I can say for many that it was a challenging time because it was not easy to get acquainted with the new infrastructure, acclimated to the new environment, and learn many new things quickly. While it might be easier for those with prior (enlisted) service, it was hard and stressful for those without any military experience.
We marched a lot and got yelled at a lot, too. We were expected to learn and memorize many things. If we do not get something right, we will be verbally reprimanded by the military training instructors and staff members on the spot and in front of everyone. Due to the lack of sleep and constant movement, many of us were tired and overwhelmed at times. I know I did! There were times when I could not focus enough to do well on drills. When doing complex movements, I lost track of my cadence, step, or turn on the wrong foot when the different commands were given. We were also expected to have our room organized and fixed in certain ways dictated and regulated by standard operating procedures. It was very frustrating and tiring — sometimes, both, too — when I felt my own personal ineffectiveness and inability.
Many of my flight mates felt similar sentiments and emotions. At times, there were tensions and frustrations expressed through body and verbal language. Even though we were trying to be respectful and mindful of each other, sometimes things came out unintended. I knew my flight leader and our element leaders and guide-on were frustrated at some of us who could not seem to get it right. Even though I did not say anything much, I did feel my own frustrations that arose from my own limitations. On top of trying to hold things together and not mess up too much for the flight, I was doing my best to care and be mindful in affirming others. I know I was not supposed to minister while in training, but they cannot stop me from being a minister (it is just who I am by nature now)!
Even though it got tough at times, we just pushed through and did the best that we could at the moment. Being able to see, taste, and feel ineffectiveness is not easy for us to accept. Especially in the military, where we are expected to attain “excellence in all we do,” it can get hard for many of us as we feel like we are not doing enough or should have been better. It is hard to see that perhaps we sometimes simply cannot do “enough.” We all have deficiencies and limitations that we cannot overcome. Even when we try our hardest, some other people or elements will also affect the overall picture and outcome. Hence, this affirms what the virtue of patience really means and challenges each and every one of us to grow where and when it gets hard at times.
In life, this reality is somewhat of an unavoidable pain — a thorn — that one must embrace while being a leader. It is not easy, and I struggle with it a lot. Nevertheless, through the patience of my good friends and spiritual guides, I have learned to personally and prayerfully embrace the tensions that exist in life, relationships, and among ourselves. I had learned from my past failures and desire to be in control that for something to truly be collaborative, there need to be layers of support and people who understand and make it their own mission. The less I am in control, the less I can delegate and get more collaborators, the better! I have learned it from my own past mistakes when I was too controlling without knowing that those things were killing me psychologically, physically, and relationally because I was too focused on myself.
I have given up trying to be someone important and learn to be a child of God as to live in His love. As Saint Therese of Lisieux once said, “All is grace.” Hence, within the heart of God and Mother Church, I am loved, and that is more than enough. The more I tried to get what I wanted in the past, the more miserable I became because I was never happy with what I had. Yet, when I learned to let go (and continue to learn to let go) and seek God, I knew that I did not need to be what I thought I would like to be in order to be loved by Him. He loves me, not because I am perfect, but because He has made out of love — for He is love. I have to learn to love myself in Him and allow Him to work in and through my daily struggles and personal brokenness.
Yes, there are still days that I struggle, but I tend to be more content when I choose to focus on what I have in and through the love of God (instead of the things that have to happen for me to be happy). Only the peace of the Lord and His love are enough for us! Nothing else in this world can ever promise or give this to us. Therefore, I wish and pray that you understand and know how much you are loved by the Lord, remain in His restful, peaceful love, and reflect this love in your everyday interactions with others. Let us learn to love in our own struggles, with all of their ups and downs, so that the love of God deepens and empowers us to overcome the lesser things of this world. To truly know the Lord and to be loved by Him is the greatest joy and loving peace that this world can never understand or give to us. You and I belong to Him and are loved by Him, which is more than enough!
Being patient and fine with the present and existing (creative) tensions is hard. It gets frustrating and hard when things fall apart, get out of control, or do not go our way, even when we have tried our best. Imperfections irk and irritate us, but there are things in life that we will be very challenging or can never be changed. As a matter of fact, Jesus taught you and me this valuable lesson! He knew that His love would not be received and responded to by all, yet He chose to die for the love of us. God — Father, Son, and Holy Spirit — love us beyond our brokenness and wants to heal us deep from within, but we need enough courage to let go and accept His love. It is scary to let go of our false sense of security and what we had built for ourselves. Unless we let go, we can never have the freedom to open ourselves up to receive something greater than what we can comprehend or see at this moment.
It is hard to be vulnerable, genuine, and transparent with ourselves and to love ourselves in our brokenness and all its imperfections. Yet, unless we do this, we will never know who we are except to continue to lie and dupe ourselves into loving a different version of who we think we are or what we would like to be. The Lord taught us to love by our selfless, genuine, and personal gift of loving others. He taught us to love and to continue to love, even when others want to hurt us or have hurt us. He gave us the ultimate answer to all of this world’s evils and hurts by overcoming evil with Him! Instead of doing what would seem to be natural and human by taking things into our own hands and dealing with matters that would be comfortable to us, we are called to discern, reflect, pray, and take the route of the self-donation way of love that the Lord Jesus had chosen to save the world.
Therefore, let us not be afraid to run to His love. Let us not be afraid to trust and give ourselves wholeheartedly in response to His everlasting love. Whoever we had made ourselves to be or whatever we think we are, do not be afraid to lay them all down at His feet. Do not be afraid to shed our false persona and self-made image as we come to Him. Do not be afraid to love ourselves as we are, in all its grace-filled brokenness and imperfections, so that we can truly give and offer our gift to those around us. This is the hard way, but this is the only way to truly be free and genuine with who we are. We are loved, and by His grace, we will overcome every lie that tells us who we are not or as someone else except God‘s beloved.
He loves us not because we are perfect or in control (or in whatever terms you and I would like to identify ourselves) but because He has made us out of love and for love. Hence, we can only learn how to love others as they are by loving Him wholeheartedly and humbly accepting our brokenness and imperfections. Love is the only way, and the only answer to what this world can never give to us, for true love is only found in Him who first loved us and showed us how to truly love! Therefore, let us dare to love ourselves and give that genuine gift to others as we truly are.
I Thirst (John 19:28) with Father Khoi 