On Loneliness

One of the most frequently asked questions about me as a priest is, “Father, what do you struggle the most in your priestly vocation?” To which, I often answered, “Loneliness.”

It is a reality. It is a fact. I cannot deny it.

It gets more challenging as a military priest and chaplain because we do not have the long-term stability of diocesan or religious priests, who have their parish families, friends within the local area, or their religious community for support. We might have a parish family on base, but people often move since we are all on different assignment timelines. I am grateful for the many friendships that God sent my way to help me along the way, but we all knew that we would have to say farewell soon enough because this is just the reality of serving our nation as servicemembers. As a matter of fact, there is a joke that we often tell ourselves that it is probably time to move when we begin to feel like we know what we are doing, more comfortable with our job, team, and environment, and especially when we somewhat feel at home because that it is an indication that it is probably time that the military is about to uproot and replant us somewhere else!

We are often on the move or tasked with different mission sets. Unlike what people often in social media videos of families rejoicing or welcoming their loved ones home from a mission, military priests do not have families of our own who are waiting for us when we come back. We might have a few from our military or parish family who might be there if the time aligns, but we still have to go back to our residence by ourselves and try to figure things out. It sucks to go back and feel all alone and by ourselves but there is little that we can do about it because it is a fact and the vocation we have chosen. Going back home and having to readapt and reintegrate never gets easy because it requires a lot of relearning, readjusting, and reprioritizing to the current reality, environment, and challenges instead of what we were used to when we were on a mission. It can get emotionally, psychologically, and spiritually weary because we are all humans.

The life of a military priest is unique, for sure! I am glad that I am not overly burdened with worrying about facility management issues since most of that is taken care of by the government since all are public buildings. I am less stressed about having to worry about meeting the immense parish budget and carrying a big team of staff’s financial well-being on my shoulders. I do not have to worry about paying off debts, doing capital campaigns, and doing the best I can to build up our parish savings. Most of those mission-essential expenses are somewhat covered by government funding, the Catholic-specific operational costs are manageable, and the active-duty community is oftentimes very supportive and generous because they understand that we must support one another in the profession of arms, especially as people of faith. After all, it is the faith-centered parish community that gives us life and strength in the midst of many changes and uncertainties.

Military priests have to wear three different hats since we have to be priests, chaplains, as well as officers in our uniforms. We have to care for and lead the Catholic parish on top of doing our general chaplaincy duties because we are given different units to minister as their unit chaplains. Those members are not Catholics and we are called to serve them because we have a mission to be “a priest for some (Catholics) but a chaplain for all!” On top of all of that, we all have to develop officership and related skills like other officers who are wearing similar ranks to us. It means that we must learn to lead, advise, and be professional according to military standards because we are rated like them in the eyes of the military.

To be honest with you, it does get tiring! Like many of my active-duty brother priests, I try to do my military and chaplaincy duties during duty hours and spend the after-hours with my Catholic parish because that is when many ministries are gathering and meeting. I often do not get home until late in the evening because I want to be a spiritual father, shepherd, and pastor to my parish family while not neglecting those who are sent to serve in my own assigned units as well. That is why going home can be challenging at times because so much of my time is tied to ministry. It is rewarding to give and serve, but it is also tiring and wearing one out because we are all humans. It is, indeed, humbling to be attentive and awaringly accepting that we are all humans and have our own limits in learning to let go and find rest.

I often get asked, too, by others who I would talk to if I need to vent or share something heavy in my heart. That is definitely a tricky question because we often do not have that luxury at times. There are certain things that I can share with the people I trust, but there are many things that I have to keep close to my heart due to complete confidentiality as a chaplain… and that is not even including matters that are sacramental/confessional in nature! I often bring them to the Lord and try to unload my burden to Him. It helps many times, but it can also create some lonely moments that need time to humbly and patiently grow in and through the Lord.

I believe people oftentimes idealize the priesthood and make it look like we are somehow superheroes or robots walking around without any feelings or emotions, without any struggles or weaknesses, without any kind of temptations, trials, or doubts. They oftentimes expect us to be (unrealistically) perfect and they are blinded to the very reality that we are also humans. They often expect priests to be readily available when they are in need, listen to their problems, and provide comfort when they are struggling. They often expect us to be able to handle ourselves and get our acts together when we are called upon because it is expected of us.

It is hard for many people to understand that we are but humans and we have our own trials and tribulations, hardships and struggles, pains and hurts, as well as personal crosses to bear. As a matter of fact, the good Lord was tempted many times in His humanity, and so did the Blessed Mother! Therefore, to deny our humanity is to be ignorant of the very fact that God can use each and every one of us in our frailty and weaknesses for His greater glory. If we are all perfect and have everything together, where and when would we rely on His loving grace? If we have everything under control and aligned, then how can we offer our daily ups and downs and seek His providential care and forgiving love? If we are unrealistically perfect, we would then deny our very humanity and the very necessity of grace that makes us dependent on God and His loving kindness.

Being in the uniform teaches me how to respect military spouses, children, and families even more because they have to be very resilient to constantly say farewell and start over again. As a matter of fact, it gets harder as we and our family members get older in age because friendship and stability have a more qualitative value and personal meaning. This is often a very big contention point between military spouses, as well as parents and children when assignment season comes around! We can tell ourselves that we will be OK, and it could work most of the time until it gets closer to the actual time of departure. Indeed, it never gets easy, we just come to accept it as reality… and those who cannot take it anymore, they will then make the decision to transition out of the military for the sake of stability.

I am not writing this reflection to evoke pity or garner (unneeded) attention to myself. I am writing to simply state that people oftentimes unrealistically expect a lot from priests without knowing that we are humans like you. Of course, we are doing our best to dedicate our lives to the Kingdom in serving His people, but we also have our own personal struggles like the rest of humanity. People oftentimes have this “the grass is greener on the other side” attitude when they try to tell us that we do not have to worry about relationship and family issues, but they forget that we have many spiritual and parish family members who are not happy with what we are doing no matter how much we try! When you have those moments where you feel like your spouse, significant other, children or family members do not appreciate the sacrifices you make, want you to do something that they want without realizing what you have been doing day in and day out, and constantly complain about why you cannot be like this or that person, remember that we do understand what it feels like, too, because we have MANY parishioners and even people in higher positions who will constantly doubt, question, put us down, complain, bicker, and want things to be done their ways.

I do not know about you but there were times when I thought about giving up, walking away, or simply cannot take it anymore. There were moments when I thought that the loneliness, pains, and hurts were too much to bear that I thought it would be better to throw in the towel… however, no matter how much I tried, He would never let me give up! I am still here, kicking and screaming at times, but I cannot walk away because I know deep within my heart that He loves me so much. In all honesty… just as the Lord knows when we are feeling lonely and struggling with our pastoral ministry, the Devil and his minions also know them, too. They are definitely there to tempt, deter, distract, and throw us off course so we lose our focus on Him. Again, I am not here to say that I am perfect or without sin, because there were times when I was too “busy,” distracted, stubborn, or determined to do certain things my way, and I have to slowly learn to let go that it takes time for me to bring what is really bothering, hindering, or pulling me apart to the good Lord.

Loneliness is a reality. It is a struggle. It will never go away. However, it is also a feeling that comes and goes at times. It is a human thing that reminds us that we are weak. Thus, all of those factors also invite us to seek His loving grace because we cannot handle things by ourselves. As a matter of fact, we get worse when we try to handle things ourselves instead of humbly, transparently, and trustingly offering them up to the Lord and seeking His will for us. It is hard but we must come to Him and offer up what is bothering or hurting us, or else we are not honest with Him and with our very selves. Conversion is, therefore, a constant reality that helps us grow, become stronger, and resilient, and humbly return back to Him when we stray away.

Simply put, to deny loneliness is to deny our very human existence and the opportunity to grow in His loving grace. It will never go away! It will be there. It will be trying at times. However, for those who seek the Lord in their struggles, the opportunities to be humble and more trusting in His love are definitely there. I do not know about you, but it is a great consolation (which I do not take for granted) that He is so merciful, patient, and loving in allowing me to struggle in my own faith journey. He never takes any of those things away but is there to forgive, guide, and give me enough strength to continue on. He has been so faithful to me that I cannot but choose to love Him over and over again! Seriously, how can we not love the One who loves us when we did not choose to love Him? How can we walk away from the One who has always been there for us? How can we give up on the One who never gives up on us no matter how many reasons we have given Him? Thus, I choose to embrace my loneliness and all its struggles because I choose to love Him with everything that I have.