Sacrifice and Gratitude

I get it… Not everyone had a wonderful childhood. Not everyone had a good and supportive family. Not everyone enjoyed their past to the point where they can go back and recall when life gets hard. Nonetheless, I believe every one of us can look back at our past and come to appreciate it with gratitude! I will be the first one to raise my hand that my life was not in any way rosy or perfect. There were times when I resented and wanted to run away from it! There were times when I thought I was living in a hellish and miserable existence that I wanted to escape it all. There were times when I just had to choose to survive and push myself forward. Those were hard times, but they helped me to become who I am today… imperfect but grateful for the many sacrifices of those who walked alongside me. I had to learn to move from the resentful mindset toward a more grateful attitude because life and all its imperfections helped me to become stronger, resilient, and freer to seek God instead of my own will. Life, even though it is challenging, is indeed full of grace and filled with both gratitude and sacrifice.

I have not shared this part of my childhood in a formal way yet. I touched on here and there on my childhood in Viet Nam, but I think there are so many stories that I can share that would take a while to get through all of them. Of course, there were memories that I tried to forget because they hurt too much or they were not conducive to my own life of faith and growth as a more rounded person who can understand, be compassionate, and faithful to God and His will for me. I try my best to avoid the bitter, resentful, pity-based, or trauma dumping route because my story is not just about me and what happened to me, but also how the Almighty, in His infinite goodness and providence, allowed me to go through trials and hardships so I can become stronger, more compassionate, grateful, remain humble, and able to relate to those who are going through their own stormy seasons.

Right after my paternal grandparents left Viet Nam, my parents were permitted to move into their residence to watch over the house. It was one of those moments when we were unsure if they would return some time in the future or not, because like many people who felt like they have to leave their homelands, we all had the initial hope of returning when it became a better place to live. My parents were grateful for the opportunity because we were living in very poor conditions, at times jumping from place to place, living in cramped spaces or unsanitary conditions, and having very little, trying to make it through life. It was hard and challenging for my parents, and I could recall many sacrifices they made so my brother and I could have what they were giving up. It was a very challenging chapter of life for my parents because they could not seem to catch a break! I could definitely remember the tiredness, anxiety, stress, and related (raw) emotional outbursts and tensions in their relationship as well as in our general family atmosphere. It was definitely a time of leanness… just trying to make it through day by day with the little that we had.

One of their ventures was to open a Pho/noodle shop close to the old train station. They used all of their savings to open a small shop, and it was doing well at first. Nonetheless, running a shop meant that they would have to leave early and return home late each day. Even at a young age, I remembered my mother asking me to step up to take care of my brother so they could try to make a living, so we could have a better life. I learned to take care of my brother, walking him to and from school, feeding him when we got back, and getting him ready for bed each night. One of my parents would go back to the house to check up on us for a short time, but I was put in charge of him for most of the time.

Before we go to sleep, I would tie a string to my foot and run it to the front door (since we would sleep close to the main room anyway). My parents would pull on the string when they got home around midnight to wake me up and open the door for them since we did not want to disturb and wake up the neighbors. It was one of those old-style doors that only had one key. My dad refurbished and fitted it so we would have a better and secure door than the very old and weak one that my grandparents had.

I remember there were times when the string got loose or removed from my foot since I like to roll around when I sleep. I remembered my parents having to sleep outside because they could not wake me up and get inside. Instead of being angry at me for failing them, I remembered them simply going inside, just trying to rest, wash up, and get ready to go out to the shop again. Those memories, even when I was very young, helped me to understand that I must push through life because my parents were trying their best. They endured many hard days with the noodle shop until my mother’s health was greatly affected. And like that, their many ventures often ended up getting cut short due to various reasons. I remembered my parents tried so hard to get ahead in those days, but nothing seemed to work in their favor. We indeed struggled, and it was hard at times, but we never gave up.

From my reflection on St. Martin de Porres and how I was healed through his intercession, I admit that I did not like being poor and being mistreated at school (and in life) because we did not have enough money to bribe/buy favor from teachers so they could take “better care” of us. I remembered being treated like dirt just by my teacher because my parents struggled to make ends meet, and we were not in the special Communist Party circle that gets special treatment. I did resent, get angry, and became bitter many times, but I could not because I see how much my parents had to endure. This all happened at a very young age for me, and that is why I often tell people that I never had a childhood. I had to grow up fast since life was hard. It seemed like that moment in time in Viet Nam and our early years in the United States was one chapter of hardship and trial after another, but we all learned to overcome; we all had to make sacrifices to live and survive at times.

Those moments and chapters in life were not easy. I struggled a lot. However, I was not the only one who struggled. My parents were making greater sacrifices for my brother and me. There were other people who struggled like us in the post-war era as well. We were not the only ones who had opportunities taken from us, pushed away, and isolated by the unjust regime because we were not part of the Communist circle, and did our best to survive through the lean and hard times. The post-war era brought many hurts, pains, sufferings, and trials. There were so many mistreatments, abuses, and corruption, which caused many people to leave everything behind to escape the miserable reality. Those were the hard times, but God was always with us, and we learned to be resilient, pushed forward, and relied on our faith instead of the government.

People who had to leave their motherland in order to seek freedom struggled at first, but grew where they were planted. Many succeeded and built better lives for themselves, and their children have, in turn, contributed greatly to those nations that accepted them. Those who could not leave or stayed behind adapted and continued to live as they were able. Life is always imperfect, and many times filled with many sacrifices, but the journey makes us stronger and more trusting in God‘s goodness, and we find blessings along the way. Life is far from perfect and as we would have liked it to be, but that does not mean that it is not good, worthwhile, and there are moments that we can be grateful for the grace bestowed upon us in hard times and the people who are with us along the way. Therefore, I would like to invite you and me to take a moment to give thanks for the journey and let that gratitude bear life by how we help others along the way, especially those who are struggling on the journey at the moment.