The Lessons of the Dinner Table

When I was young and living with my paternal grandparents, I was living with other cousins whose parents were no longer with them because they escaped Viet Nam to find freedom or were struggling in life. Being in such a small and crowded place, especially around the dinner table, we had to learn to be attentive and share with one another. Hence, that whole communal living formed an inner awareness of others for me. We all had to learn to share what we have with one another! While this reality can often be ignored and forgotten in this day and age, I believe it is important that we learn the importance of commonality, especially being gifts of one another for each other. Therefore, I would like to take a moment to share some of my childhood mistakes (that taught me valuable life-long lessons) with you.

When I was young, there were times when we had up to seven people around a very small dinner table. It was often composed of my paternal grandparents, my aunt, two or three of my cousins, and myself. Times were tough, and we had very little back then, so everyone had to share. We ate a lot of vegetables, meat dishes were very salty, and the meals were meager and frugal because meat proteins were expensive. The dishes were always a little bit saltier so we could fill our stomachs with more rice. My grandparents and aunts found creative ways to stretch the little that we had! Therefore, when we had something special on big holy days, I sometimes went overboard because I indulged myself too much with the available meat dishes, leaving some of my family members to go without.

As the household’s youngest member, I was assigned to sit next to my grandmother to take care of her since she was blind. My responsibility was to put food from the table in her little bowl since we ate and shared everything from the communal table in Vietnamese culture. There were times when I did not pay attention to her, especially when my favorite dishes were cooked. My young mind became occupied with the appealing and delicious enticements, hence often leaving my grandmother with little food at those times. She was so lovingly patient and never complained. She just sat there to wait until I remembered or until other members filled in my role and took care of her for me.

At times, too, being greedy and childish, not being aware of others, I would eat more than my portion and leave others having little. Being the youngest child, I often got away with it, but that meant that my grandparents, aunt, and cousins did not have as much because I ate more than I should! Looking back on life, I was loved and cared for even though we had little. That love required me to slowly be attentive to other people around me, or else I would make inconsiderate decisions and actions that hurt the ones I love. Eating from the communal table taught me to be attentive to others’ needs, my actions, and the consequences that affect those around me.

In similar ways, when we only care about ourselves and take more than what is needed from the common good, our actions will, in turn,  affect our neighbors and those who are around us! When we only care about ourselves, we will fill our own lives with more and leave others with less. When we become inconsiderate and self-centered, we forget the presence of those around us, hence missing the opportunity to be a gift and present to those around us by how we choose to care, be attentive, and be considerate of them. This commonality is the very aspect that makes us human beings, especially our sense of communion in understanding faith and living our lives as integral members of the Church. Our faith and life are never about ourselves or what would only benefit us! The gifts given to us are to be shared and given to others because they are greatest, invaluable, personal, intimate, and loving gifts that we can offer to those around us. Think about it, the most valuable gift is the very gift of our own self and our humble, considerate, and caring love for others!

Furthermore, there are many more lessons that can be learned and taught when we are around the dinner table. Perhaps the first and foremost lesson is interpersonal communication and care! In a day and age where families are constantly on the run, grabbing food from a fast food restaurant and trying to catch up with one thing after another, we have missed the greatest opportunity and gift we can give one another — our very own self. We discuss logistics and practical matters of what needs to be done, but we do not know how to communicate from the heart. Genuine communication is very hard because it requires the willingness to be present and open oneself to those around us, especially to listen and speak from the heart. When we communicate, we need to listen and not just talk to get our points across. We are not there just to make ourselves known to others but to actually care and value others as a gift to be cherished, embraced, and respected.

Too oftentimes, our typical post-modern households have become simply a common gathering space or hotel-like living where people just return and gather for a little bit, but they do not know each other. They might know the common, everyday matters, but not too many know how to speak to each other from the heart. We have perhaps missed the simple ways of being present to one another, taking it easy, and spending time with those we are about without worrying about what needs to be done next! We have perhaps forgotten what it means to waste time, to break bread, to share our gifts and blessings, to be asked and able to answer (with silliness, at times, too) about what is going on in life. It does not cost a lot to care for or be cared for, which can be a valuable lesson we learn when we share the communal meal at the dinner table.

Last but not least, I believe the greatest lesson we learn from sharing meals with one another is the virtue of patience and presence. A meal is not something that we can just eat and run or simply a grab and go! Eating is never about filling one’s stomach up and moving on to the next thing but about enjoying each other’s presence and choosing to give the gift of ourselves to those who are around us. When we learn to enjoy each other’s company or put away our own particular needs or likings to spend time with others, we become more patient, aware, attentive, caring, respectful, and choose to simply be present without having everything be about us. Many lessons can be learned from the dinner table as well as time spent with the ones in our lives! Do you believe that they can be unexpected and hidden moments of grace or invaluable life-giving lessons? If we are attentive to each other and invite God into those moments, then yes, of course! If we allow Him to be present in our midst and seek His presence in our lives and in others around us, we can learn much about our very selves and others beyond what the ego and its fragility want to control, desire, or get worried about.

Love is simple, but it is very hard to give! If we do not know how to love those who are around us by being attentive, aware, considerate, and caring for them, we will end up using them as objects to our needs instead of as gifts in themselves. When we learn to listen and speak from the heart, spend time with each other well, and value each other’s company, we will recognize that the greatest presents in this world cannot be measured or exchanged in quantifiable, materialistic, or calculative means. There is much to be learned from one another as to be present to each other! Therefore, what we can do to love one another is to personally and lovingly choose to give and spend time with those who are around us. The greatest, invaluable, personal, and most intimate gift has always been the genuine, humble, considerate, loving, and caring gift of our very own self to those who are in our lives. Therefore, let us not forget that love is simple, but it takes a willing heart because if each and every one of us chooses to love one another, this world would be a much better place! Where can this all begin, you ask?!? Perhaps we are being reminded of the simple fact that love begins at home and often around the dinner table.