The saints taught us that in our nothingness and total dependency on God, we share the spiritual wealth that comes from Him, the wealth that this world can never understand or obtain by its own powers or manipulations. By our total dependence on the Almighty, we are able to be comfortable with one another without being bogged down by conflicts, disputes, enmities, vanity, pride, or the desire to manipulate or dominate others.
As Christians living in the world, we try our best to continue to be who we are, carrying on what the Master has done in His own life, even though our words and actions might not always be welcomed and accepted with joy. The saints remind us that our true joy is found in the Lord as we are able to participate in His providential care for the people. We are the people of hope — hope in Him — so our joy cannot be diminished by the apparent trials that are in front of us. Our love and devotion to God are clearly seen and purely received when we generously give ourselves and allow His gifts to be at work in and through us. Our prayers, words, and actions then become the intimate expressions of who we really are.
When a spiritual director asks a person to love himself or herself. It means that we are called to learn how to love our true self, made in the image and likeness of God, worthy of love because He wills and loves it into being. Oftentimes, we like to hide our brokenness, what was given, imposed, perverted, or picked up along the way. This brokenness is complex and different for each person, but it is often the result of humanistic, social, manmade lies, perversion, manipulation, hurt, and the like. Ironically, many of us do not think we are lovable, and we try to hide it in many different ways! Our fragile ego then perverted this reality by hiding it behind all of the false facades and security layers that it has built up for itself in order to be more outwardly liked, accepted, or in control. Nonetheless, true spiritual freedom comes when we are able to love ourselves in all our blessings and brokenness so we can truly receive the fullness of the love God has for us.
To be able to love ourselves as we truly are, in all our “ugliness” — the things we do not like about ourselves — is extremely hard! It is easier to love ourselves as we like to be, but it is only cathartic when we are able to love ourselves as we are deep from within. It is hard to understand that we do not have to put on a false self to receive God‘s love, nor do not need to look outside of ourselves for other things or people to receive His love. When we are frustrated, angry, or resentful at life and others, it is oftentimes a result of our decisions to put unrealistic conditions on God, others, or ourselves. We talk much about divine love being unconditional, but too many times, we have allowed ourselves to put too many expectations, demands, or conditions on His unconditional love. We want things this or that particular way, and we are not happy to simply receive His infinite, eternal, and everlasting love.
All these diverse feelings of restlessness, emptiness, longing, alienation, paranoia, loneliness, guilt, shame, and the like are both painful confusion and creative tension. They are there to remind us that we are humans, emotionally alive and well, but we cannot save ourselves. There are things that we cannot solve ourselves because there is a spot in us that will not be filled, a thirst that cannot be quenched, and a hunger that cannot be satisfied by any human or social means. We can rationalize and try to control them, yet continue to be unhappy and cynical as we try to force ourselves to do fruitless and tiring things to the soul, but the abiding pains are still there. When undealt with, these things make us into not very beautiful people who are constantly complaining, forming unfair judgments, and seeing the world in a negative and distorted way because we try to rationalize and control everything our way. We play games with others, it breaks down relationships, isolates, makes us tired, sours our attitudes, destroys our freedom, and makes us repulsive. Sadly, these things enslave us because we end up doing things that are no longer really expressive of our true selves. We become powerless to be our own person because we are locked in our own created hell. Loneliness and its pains make us locked up in our own emotional, psychological, and even physical handicaps through rejection, separation, and or anything else that could possibly invite genuine intimacy and interpersonal love.
Many people go through life frustrated and restless, because they let their raw energies push them from one direction to the next, never able to be content or settle down, not willing to take the time to reflect, discern, and pray about what they are called to do, nor have enough discipline to achieve the ends all of us are meant to attain in the eyes of God. These are the basic causes of a self-inflicted desolation through spiritual sloth and narrow-visioned understanding of reality. As complex yet confusing human beings, it is very easy to become infatuated with certain things, hung up on certain people, nostalgic about certain past people or events, and caught up with unrealistic daydreams and fantasies. Nonetheless, all these things make us lose focus on the present moment to truly give ourselves to the event and people who are present in our lives. Even though we want to be possessive of relationships, we cannot genuinely and dutifully give ourselves totally; we put on a facade of presence to play along or to get what we want, but still go home and be alone. Too many people want everything or more than what they can actually receive or give genuinely, hence ending up with nothing except their own self that is hurt. It is important to know that we cannot have it all, for every sincere choice and relationship is a necessary limitation to other competing goods.
We are complex human beings with many hurts, pieces of baggage, and past items hanging onto our soul, but we are also loved by God in all of our brokenness and imperfection. The real question is whether we are able to love ourselves as we are, and to allow the grace of God to be at work in us in all its fullness?!? His divine grace can only change us if we are willing to be changed, not as we like things to be with our humanistic, temporary, and ego-centered conditions, but with a trusting, content, and peaceful heart knowing that He will our well-being. Tranquility is grounded in the simplicity of heart and personal contentment of what we currently have in the fullness of God‘s grace! Perhaps to truly be at peace with ourselves begin with us stop trying to chase after things to fill up our schedule, prove ourselves, or to avoid loneliness, but to simply receive, embrace, love, and be content with what He is giving us. We are called to be childlike in faith and prayer, to love and trust in what the good God has given to us. This is the secret to holiness and our spiritual life… To receive all things given to us by Him with gratitude, contentment, and simplicity of heart as we are able, and to return everything we have received in genuine and loving service of others as we are where He has placed us.
The amount of grace one can receive depends on how much one is willing to be honest and humble to receive. It is important to remember that God gives to each person differently and appropriately, so it is proper not to be demanding and get frustrated with what could have been, should have been, or would have been for us. God gives, we give thanks. If He does not give as we hope, we trust in knowing that His gift is appropriate at this time and that His love is enough for us. The end goal of spiritual direction is not to be able to get what we wanted or hoped for but to be content, abide, and trust in the essential and life-giving relationship that the Lord has and willed for us. For that to happen, we have to peel off all the things that we had built for ourselves to see ourselves as we truly are deep from within. It then leads to the healing and cathartic step of loving one’s self in all its brokenness and imperfections as God loves us. The journey will lead us to, then, better discern, reflect, and pray about what is going on in our own lives as to live a childlike faith that trusts and loves instead of being childish with demanding or selfish expectations.
We all begin small, but with perseverance, courage, and humility — as well as time and patience, God is able to bring into fulfillment what He has begun in us if we trust in Him. We will definitely go through many blessings and struggles, trials and hardships, as well as moments of loving grace, but God is always with us. Just as we need to train ourselves physically to tone and strengthen our muscles, our soul and its spirit have to be holistically exercised in conjunction with our humanity to truly mature and be rounded with what He wants us to be. We have to be willing, yet patient, to activate the gifts and understand the lessons that God has for us at each stage of the journey as to overcome the obstacles that are present or have presented themselves to us.
Let us not, therefore, forget our universal call to holiness and to live as Christ did, not only for ourselves for the greater good and sanctification of this world. Through our genuine gift of faith, we are able to lift one another up and help each other along the way. We are all sinners who are trying each day to be more holy by conforming our lives to Christ Jesus and allowing His loving grace to change us deep from within. Of course, there will be challenging days with their obstacles, hardships, and trials along the way, but as long as we fix our eyes on Him, we can live for Him and with Him. Thus, let us not be scared to be holy and try our best to become saints in our own journey of faith so we can radiate His love to others and help them along their journey as well. May our God be our everything, and Heaven, our true homeland and final destination.
(Part 4 of 5)
I Thirst (John 19:28) with Father Khoi 