Even though I am not married as a (Western/Latin Rite) Catholic priest, I deal with so many marriage and relationship issues. As a priest and military chaplain, I get to listen to many heartbreaking stories and hurts. Even though it seems like a relationship might be on rocky grounds or the couple is walking on eggshells because they have fallen out of love and grown apart from each other, I always believe in redemption, reconciliation, and second chances. It might not always be easy, especially when hurtful things have been said and trust has been lost, but I believe the healing process is worthwhile because a relationship, especially marriage, is much more than a simple exchange of benefits or mutual liking of one another. When it hurts the most, that is when love becomes a personal, intimate, sacrificial, and humble decision to will the good of the other.
The first observation that I often see when I see a couple struggling in their relationship talks about the most is how the other side is failing and not doing what is needed. Both sides love to use absolute terms, too, as if there was never anything good from their significant other or spouse. It is so easy to scapegoat and blame the other side instead of seeing our own failures and humbly willing to change ourselves for the better. Blames might make us feel “good,” but they do not help us to understand and see reality as it is. We cannot live life blaming other people and justifying ourselves just because we will ultimately end up by ourselves, isolated, lonely, and resentful because we have pushed other people away. It is important to understand one another! Hence, re-read the word “understand,” because it requires us to be patient, humble, and willing to stand and see what is underneath the emotional, sentimental, or exterior surface.
If we desire and are willing to take the time to listen and understand the other side, many of the misunderstandings can easily be avoided. If we take small moments to willingly be present and desire to love the other side, imagine the positive effects that we can instill and share with one another. It is sad that we have become too demanding, expecting, and busy that we have not made the time and effort to be present and willingly choose to love the other side. People grow apart because they have been busy with other things and lost focus on the relationship that gives them life.
When a person feels that he or she is not respected and cared for, it is so easy to let the negativities be intensified and resentment to start building up. When we stop being patient, kind, caring, and respectful of one another, it is so easy for us to return to a meaningless house. As Americans, we have no problems buying more stuff in order to fill up the house, but those who do not care for each other can easily choose to come back to a packed house but an empty home. Think about it… so many people have not come home because they never willed to make time for one another at home.
The second error that is often seen in relationships that fell apart would be people’s lack of willingness to be present, care, and respect one another. In the military, as well as in the professional world, work duties and professional bearings have become the way that we see ourselves, and they have dictated many of our lives. We get so focused on these roles and responsibilities that too few of us are willing to walk away from them. As a matter of fact, too few can walk away from work and choose to come home! Relationships fall apart, and people live like partners in the same house because they never desire to come home. If both sides have not taken the time to make their house into a home, they will definitely fall apart as resentment and frustration kick in. Once people lose focus on what gives them life and what made them love each other in the first place, all that is left is talking about problems, failures, or other matters that are not important at all.
When a relationship falls apart, we have the tendency to identify the problems and somehow fix them immediately. Nonetheless, we often forget that humanity is complex and relationships are messy. People, especially their preconceptions and perceptions, cannot be changed overnight or in a short time! Patience and kindness are important, as well as humility and a genuine desire to accept and love the other side, which are so crucial and foundational. We cannot just make things work in intellectual, conceptual, or objective ways… We have to willingly meet the other person where he or she is, try to understand their views, hurts, and hopes, and humbly desire to learn to reconcile. We get hurt when we do not feel like we are being respected and loved. We turn people off when we think that they do not want to value us and are not willing to listen to what we have to say. Therefore, it is important to reminder to give our very self and put into practice what we hope to receive from others!
My dear brothers and sisters, I beg you to desire, choose, and will to come home each day. No matter how imperfect it might look, it is home! If we do not take the efforts and make the necessary sacrifices so that our house becomes a home, we will remain the most lonely, isolated, bitter, resentful, and sad people in the world. If we do not humble ourselves in order to make our house into a home, the place where we can belong, be present, and choose to love one another, this world will eat us alive and spit us out. At the end of the day, no one really cares about what we do. They might talk about us here and there, but no one is willing to go the extra mile to really care for us. If we live our lives to please and gain shallow, temporary, vain, and fake approval of others, we end up not having anything real at all. In my own ministry and life of service, I have seen too many people who seem to be successful, rich, powerful, prestigious, or objects of desire, but they are often the most lonely and isolated people.
On the other hand, the most fortunate and blessed people are those who can be free to live with what they have and be content with their current life. The greatest freedom is not found in the ability to do whatever we want. We are truly blessed when we are free to find, understand, and appreciate who we are and what we have in the simplest reality, and matters that seem to be insignificant to others. The richest people in this world are the people who appreciate what they have without wantonly chasing after the endless search for “more” of this and that. The freest people in the world are ones who are not enslaved by materialistic things and the useless opinions of others. The most content person knows where he or she belongs, and they are able to come home and be at home each day.
None of this is to say that somehow, if we have those attitudes, things will be all great. That would be a lie! Life will never be perfect. Relationships are never going to be as we want or desire. People remain complex, and our interactions with one another will always be messy. Therefore, to look for total perfection in this world is futile because it is not possible. We are fallen people. We are broken. Therefore, nothing will and can be perfect! That is why we have to choose to be content, flexible, and willingly choose to seek small moments of joy and blessing in the midst of many imperfections.
In this world, even though imperfect and broken, there are so many blessings that are interwoven and present in life if we choose to take a look at them. It begins with mindful attentiveness to seek small goodness to understand God’s ways of showing His grace. He is not a showman who likes to wow and captivate us… He simply likes to take care of us in small, intimate, and consistent ways. Therefore, we have to slow down, open up, and be willing to choose to see how His loving grace is at work in our lives. Once we are able to experience, understand, and embrace His gentle, unpretentious, and intimate way of showing love, we have to, in turn, put it into practice.
Each and every one of us can begin small with daily perseverance and consistency. Contrary to our desire to have things done quickly and problems fixed right away, healing comes from a lifestyle change that is found in small, daily, consistent practice of good virtues, habits, decisions, choices, words, and actions. Quick changes are prone to relapses and burnout moments, because one can start “strong” and quick, but nothing endures unless it is sustained by consistent consideration to create a new lifestyle and habitual practices. Therefore, let us not give up just yet… be gentle, kind, humble, genuine, and real so we can seek to reconcile, understand, and love one another. No matter how hard the mountains might seem to be at the moment, take small steps and allow the grace of God to strengthen us in the struggles, so we can understand where we belong and that life is worth living.
I Thirst (John 19:28) with Father Khoi 