Staying the Course

Failures are hard. No matter how much we try to do our best, we cannot avoid failures. Even if we try to eliminate our negative odds, possibilities, or chances, we can still make mistakes or face things that do not go our way. Many have lost hope, given up, and want to end everything when things fall apart or do not get their way, as if the world is ending; nonetheless, they are just parts of life. I do not want to sound insensitive or inconsiderate because it is not easy to embrace failures, especially if we have tried so hard or invested much time and effort into specific matters. Personally, I have faced failures many times in life, and I am learning to move on even though it gets hard and challenging. I am grateful that our life of faith is not determined by how much we have succeeded or how we seem to be the best but by how faithful we are in persevering and staying the course.

As a priest, I deal with a lot of failures. Not only do I have to face and come to terms with my own personal failures and shortcomings, especially to let go and keep in check my own unrealistic high expectations and demands as a recovering perfectionist, but I also have to deal with other people’s failures. People come to me when things fall apart, when they get hurt, or when they fail to meet society, other people, or their own expectations and goals. Failures hurt us deeply because we try our best to fit in and be accepted, loved, recognized, valued, and welcomed. Therefore, when we feel like we have been rejected, abandoned, ignored, forgotten, or pushed out by others because we are not good enough for them. We feel like we did not do enough to be like what they wanted us to be, we let ourselves be eaten alive by our own self-imposed or magnified sense of guilt and shame.

When we see that we have failed, we tend to give up, want revenge, or just lock ourselves up from within. We let ourselves be locked up, condemned, judged, and eaten alive by our failures. Hence, sooner or later, we will burn out, causing harm to ourselves or finding unhealthy ways to attack, nitpick, or pick on the wrongs of others so we do not have to deal with our own self because we have not dealt with it with a humble, genuine, transparent, and honest way.

As a priest and military chaplain, I deal with a lot of spiritual and invisible wounds that our military personnel bear deep from within. Sometimes, it is the survivor’s guilt; other times, past baggage, undealt problems, unhealthy coping mechanisms and habits, post-traumatic disorder, and its triggers, or poor decisions made that negatively enslaved, controlled, or hurt the person deep from within. Like many of us who are recovering perfectionists or had to deal with our personal failures in the past, we do not like to acknowledge or accept them. It gets hard in a world where everyone tries to show positive, self-centered, fabricated portraits, pictures, clips, and even fake personas so others can look at them, stand out, and be objects of talk and envy. So many people rather fake things because they dislike and hate to deal with the truth. We tend to push away that we do not like to deal with, the hurts that affect us, the imperfections that we bear, and pains that scar us, the sufferings that no one else knows but plague us, and the brokenness that we all have with all its limitations and shortcomings. Until we are honest enough to accept, understand, embrace, and try to find healing for our woundedness, we will remain unwell in harming ourselves and others because we are miserable.

It is so easy to attack, be petty, and push people away when we are hurt so that the attentions are not focused on us. Nonetheless, these miserable actions and choices further isolate us from the people who can support and love us in the hurt. Many of them, especially military people, think they are weak, damaged, ineffective, not good enough, and to be thrown away, but I always tell them: “Thank you for being courageous in being here with me today!” It is true courage to embrace our imperfections and to acknowledge that we need help. Even though it is hard, the greatest freedom is recognizing that we cannot save ourselves. It is perfectly fine and commendable to seek help… there is no shame or failure in that! As a matter of fact, it is very courageous to be honest, real, transparent, and true to ourselves.

One can easily go on a lifetime of hiding the core and deep pains, sufferings, hurts, and wounds and end up hurting oneself or others. Nonetheless, it takes a lot of courage to say, “I need help because I am broken, and I cannot save or help myself. I need help because of the pains I have caused and inflicted upon myself and others… and I am sick and tired of being sick and tired of doing the same thing.” It is truly courageous to recognize that we need help and we cannot help ourselves, especially opening up, owning up to our mistakes, looking at our past hurts and pains, and being committed to the lifelong process of recovery and living above the brokenness or disease that plagued us in the past.

Whatever you are going through, please ensure that you are not pushing people out and isolating yourself from God and His love for you, which is often through other people! Whatever you think you are or cannot be, I want to give you permission to find help. As a matter of fact, I give you permission to not be enslaved by the lies, manipulations, and falsehoods given to us. I give you permission to ask for help and receive help without feeling like you are useless, weak, or no good. I give you permission to be courageous in admitting your woundedness and ask for support and assistance from those who are able and willing to help you. I give you permission to no longer be defined by your failures but by the humility, strength, and loving grace that flows out from God‘s heart and through the help of others in your life.

When we try to change our lives and ask for help, the Devil will dismiss us, filling us with negative falsehoods and despairing manipulations, making us lose heart and want to give up. This is the truth! Look back on your own lives and see when the Liar, Manipulator, and Coward attacked us?!? He and his minions have all the time in the world to study our habits and actions, waiting for us to be weak and attack when we are least expected and unprepared. He pounded us with what seemed to be devastating and knock-out blows. Nonetheless, he is no good and simply is a coward. He is petty, small-minded, miserable, and desperate to attack and hurt others, so he and his minions are not the only ones who are egocentrically miserable. Therefore, we can fight against his cheap attacks by using the only weapon that he does not possess, which is humility to know who we are, to depend on God, and to seek help from others because we have recognized that we cannot help ourselves.

A few years back, as I was helping a person who was struggling with suicidal tendencies and self-harm measures (on top of substance abuse habits). After this person checked into a professional rehabilitation facility and I was able to find the time to talk and journey with the individual throughout the recovery time, this person told me two words in our conversation that spoke life my own prayer and reflection times. They helped give comfort to the acceptance and resignation part of the process. The two words this person shared with me were redemption and surviving.

Indeed, we do believe in redemption as Catholics! We believe in second chances, that God forgives and gives us sufficient grace to overcome our failures, hurts, pains, sufferings, and tormenting past. Our sins, failures, and whatever we have done in the past do not define or enslave us for eternity if we are humble enough to confess our sins, ask for forgiveness, seek conversion, and truly repent our faults. We might be scarred by them or have to answer for the crimes or faults we have committed in a just way.

We are given the grace to overcome and seek new beginnings if we truly resign to Him, seek His forgiveness, and especially new lives of faith through genuine conversion, repentance, atonement, and freedom. If we are truly sorry for our failures, He will forgive us, give us sufficient grace to amend our lives, and seek a new future in His loving grace and with His providential care through various means and people. No one will be forgotten if he or she returns to God, be reconciled with Him through the Sacrament of Reconciliation, and do his or her best to change. Of course, we will relapse and fail sometimes, but this is where perseverance and tenacity come in and help us not lose focus, give up on hope, and abandon the course when things get hard.

Hence, this leads us toward the second word, which is surviving. If you think about it… we do not and will not see every day as the best, optimal, and nicest day of life! There will be storms, showers, rains, and unexpected curveballs, even when the weather says otherwise, when we have done our best to eliminate the odds, double check to ensure things are right and proper, or when we try our hardest. Life is imperfect, and many unplanned outcomes or changes will occur. We will fail or have to deal with our own or other people’s failures even if we do our best to avoid them. Nonetheless, our failures are not the end and the very definition of our lives! Perhaps they were given opportunities for us to learn, grow, and mature beyond our self-centeredness and egocentric demands, expectations, and desires.

Some days, we might just have to survive, living above the storms, failures, hurts, pains, and sufferings, even though they might get hard. Some days, we might have to anchor ourselves and weather the battering storms. Some days, things will fall apart, resulting in messiness and fallouts. Some days, we are just tired and want to give up… but the storms are not the end points, no matter how long they seem, for they will always end, and the sun will always return. Things do not have to be perfect and go our way to be good!

We are survivors. We have always been and will continue to be with God‘s grace. There will be hard days, and there will be times when we might think we might not survive or see another day. But, we are still here… not because of our abilities and efforts, but because of God‘s grace. There were moments when we thought we could not make it or it was too hard, but we are still here because of His grace. When things were thought impossible, and we were about to give up or give in, there seemed to be some unexplainable source of strength that pushed us through… and that was His grace. Therefore, we continue moving forward, pushing at days, too, one step at a time. We stay the course because life is worth living and full of grace, even though it might be full of trials and hardships. There will be stormy days just as there are sunny ones. Some days will be discouraged and hard, but do not give up; we are survivors, and He has redeemed us. We are given second chances and opportunities to improve, no matter how hard or challenging life is in certain periods. Therefore, let us not give up hope yet! Let us not be defined and enslaved in our own hellish reality because of our failures but push forward to desire, will, seek, and embrace change for the better with all humility and genuineness of heart. My brothers and sisters, let us try to keep the course.