// WARNING: This might be a “rant” session by a simple priest… Do not take it as a Gospel truth! //
The last few weeks have been hard with a lot of things happening at once. It has been both long and tiring, both rewarding and discouraging at times. Perhaps the good Lord permitted all of them to happen to purify and sanctify my heart from all the military’s career-centered noises and voices that begin to creep into my life. It took me some time to really understand why I was frustrated (and sometimes angry) with what was going on. It was a mess to unpack and understand, to dig deeper than the sentimental and emotional reactions and see what was really going on, but it all made sense when I asked the good Lord to show me what I needed to hear as I prepared my parish community for the 24-hour Eucharistic Adoration session.
First of all, I had to recognize and put into words that I was discouraged by some senior leaders when I tried to be intentional in being present with those who were notified of a short-notice tasking. Many of those were young airmen who felt like they were not ready, as well as some who just recently returned from another long trip and felt like they did not have enough time to unpack and get their lives together. Some were (naturally) hesitant and worried, others were resentful or tired of the constant asks. Some did not know what to do to prepare themselves because everything is still new to them, and others just did not want to pack to head out the door again. Furthermore, some were afraid that they would come back to empty houses because of the strain our mission has left on their personal relationships. I knew those things because I heard expressed concerns through unit engagement and visitation opportunities. Of course, the things that those airmen shared with a chaplain will be different than what they shared with their leadership… and we get a solemn opportunity to carry those worries with us as we are present, listen, and bring them to prayers with us.
I tried to be intentional to be at the different times when our people were heading out, sometimes very late at night or early in the morning… Just to be there as a source of encouragement, checking in with people, and to be available if they need to talk. Again, some shared very hard struggles they were going through personally that they were not comfortable sharing with others. I remembered one episode where a very young airman was getting ready to head out, but forgot important documents at home. This person got nervous in trying to figure out what to do next, and they missed the roll call. In the midst of the nervous breakdown, they lost their vehicle’s key fob in the dark and were panicking. I saw the person kept walking back and forth in the dark field with the cellphone’s light on while everyone else already left, so I walked over to check and offered help.
I told the young airman that it is important that they contact the supervisor and just let them know about the missing documents and the vehicle’s key fob. The most important thing was to get going, or else they would be in a lot of trouble! I drove the airman over and ensured that they knew what to do next. Poor kid! I felt for the young one who got overwhelmed, panicked, and just caused one thing to snowball after another. Nonetheless, I was grateful that God allowed me to be there to guide and assist the airman to do what was necessary before they caused themselves more administrative troubles.
So many times, senior leaders say that they understand, but they really do not understand the qualitative costs of what it takes to get the mission done! Every time they are asked if the team can get the mission done, of course, the answer will be yes from those whom they ask. Nonetheless, no one wants to accept or try to understand the qualitative costs because that would make things personal and keep them from making objective decisions. I get it… not every decision has to be based on quality of life matters, else nothing gets done. However, I believe it is important to find the balance so we can keep our people from being treated like another number or chess piece. I believe, again, like what I said in last week’s reflection, that we do not have to take on just the either-or but do our best with making decisions with a both-and mentality by learning to better plan, respond, and space things out to not burn our people out.
Without sounding too negative and sarcastic, I believe leaders are just good intentional liars. They might mean good and say a lot about caring for others. They say they appreciate others and perhaps might do a good job in professionally recognizing people, but those things are just external, shallow, wordy, and meaningless platitudes. I find that, as people get higher in their career and public life, they have honed the art of saying all the nice things but meaning nothing. I think you and I can see it in our very own bosses and politicians, too! Perhaps I am getting old and crusty, but I could not care less about words if they are not followed up with intentional actions. However, what really got to me was senior leaders who questioned me why I had to spend extra time being there for people when the team had done what was asked and fulfilled the mission on the required checklists. Some only focused on their little circles, groups, and pet projects and stayed within those comfort zones, and others simply did what was asked on paper and checked it off. It is sad when we keep all the typical “We care!” and “Thank you!” but few make personal and intentional efforts to truly be present to understand and walk with people.
Nonetheless, what really irked me, and I had to pray about this matter many times over the last few weeks, was when a senior priest who is also a military chaplain tried to mentor me on slowing down and taking it easy. Again, I appreciated the good intention, but it really ticked me off when he began to tell me not to focus too much on the Catholic community and take time for myself to relax on the weekend. He said that doing all these things for the parish is not that important for my military career because they hold no value on my officer performance briefs and award packages. He said to simply task things out and only schedule things that are convenient for me. He said to spend more time on doing more highly visible things and be involved in wider base events because that looks better, captures senior leaders’ attention, and gets me more noticed. He said that I am doing too much for the Catholic community, spending too much effort and time on something that is not really helpful. He told me to reschedule parish events within or close to work hours only.
To be honest with you, I got internally frustrated and stopped listening to him rambling on! I was thinking to myself, has this priest forgotten how to be a priest, pastor, and father to people? Has he forgotten that many people have to work and take care of their family lives, and we must do what we can to provide opportunities to build community and nourish their spiritual journeys? How self-centered it is only to do the easiest and most convenient things instead of being aware of people’s daily challenges and busy lifestyles, and finding ways to pull them out of those meaningless traps? What are we really providing to them as priests and spiritual fathers (beyond the typical program-based things that the military already provides)? I believe many of our priests are kicking themselves in the butts and shooting themselves in the feet by only being sacramental ministers and checking boxes with a program-centered mentality because it destroys the active-duty Catholic community and drives people away. We robbed our people of true spiritual nourishment by not feeding their souls, perpetuating the easy standards instead of real discipleship, and cheapening what our rich faith truly offers! How can our people find true faith, hope, and love if we have never taken the time to teach, guide, and create opportunities for them?!? Again, he had a good humanistic intention, but the real pastoral intention was missed, misguided, and misplaced on external, shallow, and meaningless things.
Why are rank, power, prestige, influence, or being seen and recognized by others important? Why do we worry so much about those things that we end up only doing things to be seen, benefiting us, checking the list, but go on to live life comfortably instead of truly and intentionally caring for people? Of course, I desire the military to be fair and just in treating us like other officers (and I know that it does not happen), but being filled with shallow recognitions, platitudes, and words does not really entice me. My own (personal) fulfillment comes from knowing that I am doing my best with what I have to be intentional and personal in caring for those who have been entrusted to me.
I know deep from within that I am not defined by the uniform nor the rank, just like I could not care less about all those career climbers who worried so much about titles, offices, and ecclesiastical politics when I was a civilian priest. I am sick and tired of people backstabbing and hurting one another, using others, or doing only what benefits them, both within the Church and in life. It is disheartening and discouraging… but I choose not to dwell on those things because they rob me of the joy that belongs and the love that is deserved for Him!
I will admit to you that I am a workaholic. Everyone tells me that I work too much! And yes, I will tell you that it does get tiring at times. Nonetheless, it has always been who I am from day one. I have always been like this ever since I was in the religious life and seminary formation. I continued to be like this when I was a civilian parish priest, and now as a military priest and chaplain as well. I got repeated warnings and advisement pieces from many priests and leaders to take care of myself and do less. Nonetheless, I do not see caring for people as work because it nourishes my soul and gives me true fulfillment. It is the administrative, managerial, and desk work that I do not like, but learn to embrace so I am afforded the opportunity to be a priest among his people.
I am not as smart as others, so I just work harder! Perhaps this sense of duty and responsibility has been drilled in my head and become a part of who I am by my grandfather, who always reminded me that I must be a good priest for the People of God. When he was still alive, he would always tell me not take any extra time for myself (when I went home to visit or call him on the phone) because I am to be a priest among the people, father among his children, and pastor among his sheep.
Last of all, even though many of our teammates were happy to win an important award as a team, I was not personally amused or fond of the win. I know it was important for many people, and it was a great way to formally recognize what we had done! However, it personally disturbed me because, when I asked to read the written award package, all those bullets were all about doing highly visible and nicely packaged stuff and sounded nice but really do not highlight who we are called to be as ministers, chaplains, religious affairs airmen, and chapel team at all. That might be too harsh of wording… but those things were written to be seen and admired by the higher-ups, but many of them do not meaningfully express who we are as a chapel team (because religious, intentional, and qualitative things do not “sell” well with line officers). It made me sad because they fall into the same external and shallow mindset that has been discouraging me in recent times. It made me sad because it highlights all the cheesy and nice things, but does not capture the substantial and intentional things that we are truly called to do. It made me sad because we somehow have to sell ourselves short and cheap to capture line officers’ attentions, because what we really do day in and day out to intentionally care, serve, and minister to people does not warrant enough metric-based results to win or get noticed in the military world.
I knew I had to bring all those things to prayer before they affect me. I asked the Lord to show me what I needed, as I was preparing some meditations for our Eucharistic Adoration for the parish. He led me to the twenty-second meditation from St. Alphonsus de Liguori’s Visits to the Blessed Sacrament and to the Blessed Virgin Mary, which invited us to seek the Lord as our true consolation, satisfaction, pleasure, reward, and treasure. Furthermore, chapter 13 from the Imitation of Mary taught us about humility as the foundation for all other virtues, a source of true glory, and the safest path to God, reflecting and imitating the examples that we see from the Blessed Mother herself.
Indeed, those were the words I needed to hear and the consolation my heart was looking for! He spoke in ways that I needed to hear and invited me to find ways to be anchored in His love again. I was too reactionary, frustrated, and discouraged that I needed to refocus on Him instead of relying on myself or others. I needed to let go and not react with negativity and resentment. I needed to focus on Him and be reminded of how to please Him by following the very example of the Blessed Virgin Mary, whom I love and respect the most. It is OK to be sad, disappointed, and discouraged, but it is not OK to lose hope or joy! I cannot let earthly things rob me of the real reason why I wear the uniform, why I serve, why I am a priest, why I choose to care, and why I choose to be intentional in what I do, even though it means nothing in the eyes of the world.
I apologized to Him, especially for allowing earthly things to creep in and steal my joy. I offered Him in weaknesses and failures, because I know I cannot overcome these discouragements and disappointments by myself. I asked Him to purify my heart and refocus my priority so I do not lose sight of what I am called to be. I prayed that He only give me His love and His grace, and that will be more than enough for me, and I shall ask for nothing more. Perhaps I was right in being frustrated and disheartened, but I forgot to come to Him to unpack, reflect, listen, and learn a deeper and life-giving lesson! Therefore, I must be humbled, purified, and sanctified by human “failures” to see my own personal failures to rely on Him.
May St. Francis de Sales, the saint whom we celebrate today, who spent his life trying to form, catechize, lead, and care for his people, teaches us to spend our lives to become genuine, self-giving, and sacrificial instruments of God‘s love as we intentionally choose to live our faith in our everyday journey. His own motto reminded us that those who preach with love preach effectively because goodness, patience, and temperance are important in how we choose to live as people of faith. His Introduction to the Devout Life gives us valuable counsel on true charity as a means of progressing in the spiritual life, and that zeal for souls should lead us to genuinely share the Gospel in how we win hearts with true loving service.
I apologize for the long reflection as I unpack and put into words what the Lord was trying to teach me. I write this reflection, not just for you but for me first and foremost, so it is recorded and presented as a sign of reminder for the future. I recognize that all those things were permitted, so I can seek conversion of heart, learn to let go, and come to Him instead of dealing with them alone! I pray that I might not lose sight of who I am called to be and who I am called to love. If I do, please be the first to call me out and help me grow in holiness, not just shallow, temporary, or meaningless things. In the same way, I am inviting you to find time to step back and see beyond whatever is going on in your life right now to see the deeper, life-giving, and meaningful lesson that might be missed in your own personal life journeys. Let us rise above the mundane things and seek to see Him as He is and who we are in His eyes. It is indeed hard, but it is so needed…
// RANT OVER //