A Simple Reconciliation Formula

Every week, I get at least four or five pastoral counseling cases regarding marital or relationship-related matters. Couples or individual spouses want to find ways to overcome some of the hardships they are facing or simply want to give up because the resentment, anger, bitterness, and strain have created too big a chasm to overcome. Issues range from little things that were magnified or intensified because of unintentional body language or misunderstanding to hurtful and dismissive attacks of one another because both sides think that they are not cared for. Hurts multiply hurts, and negativity becomes more frequent and intensified! The vicious cycle perpetuates itself and continues to drive both sides against each other, and because they do not know how to talk to each other, they continue to dismiss or talk at each other until they finally give up. Throughout my counseling time with couples, I have formulated a simple formula that they can put into practice in order to seek reconciliation and rebuild their relationship. Even though it often applies to relationship building, it can be used in a wider team and social applications because we are all in need of reconciliation, because God has always been the first to forgive, reconcile, and teach us how to love in spite of our brokenness, sinfulness, and imperfections!

First, I used the word reconciliation because it is much deeper, more meaningful, and genuine than the typical usage of “compromise” by many people. I do not believe that a genuine relationship and compromises go hand in hand because one can only compromise so much before they become bitter, resentful, and negative, thus lashing out or reacting because they feel like they have made too many sacrifices (to the expense of themselves) when they see, perceive, or think that the other side is lacking. Nonetheless, reconciliation, in the simplest of terms as defined by the Cambridge Dictionary, is a process of making two opposite beliefs, ideas, or situations agree. Furthermore, the United Nations defines reconciliation as “the acknowledgement of past injustice, the acceptance of responsibility and steps towards (re-)building trust. It is often understood as going beyond formal conflict resolution to changing the nature of the relationship between the conflicting parties as part of a long-term communal relationship-(re-)building process.”

If you translate those two general definitions into relational and Christocentric terms, you would find that reconciliation is the letting go of thinking of having things done my way and my way alone! It is the recognition of our limitations and willingness to accept other people’s perspective and gift because theirs could be complementary to ours. We might not get what we want according to our particular expectations and demands, but we are willing to embrace and accept the contributions of others. Reconciliation happens when we stop finger-pointing and shifting blame and begin to accept our human limitations, failures, and blind spots as we respect others’ limitations, failures, and blind spots in the light of grace. If our Heavenly Father has forgiven and reconciled us through Christ Jesus and sent forth the Holy Spirit to sanctify, purify, transform, and continue to guide us with His grace, we should learn to be more patient and understanding of others. Just as He has forgiven and been patient with us, we should learn to forgive, accept, and be more patient with others because He is at work in them as He is working in us!

Furthermore, reconciliation requires a lot of forgiveness and acceptance because we are all human beings with our own quirkiness and messiness! No one is perfect, and we all have our limitations and blind spots, no matter how much we try. Reconciliation is that personal willingness to let go of our ego and its desire to be in control and to want things our way, and to accept, understand, and appreciate the gifts and blessings in others. Things might not turn out the way we want them to be, but there is so much beauty and blessing in working together! We are not meant to be alone… and it is a lonely life to live if we think we have everything our way but no one really cares about us. We have seen those so-called leaders who have the authority but not the respect of their peers and subordinates because they do not respect, see, and understand others.

Therefore, reconciliation is the personal acceptance of our limitations and acknowledgement of our failures in order to accept the gift, blessing, and contribution of those who are around us. It is the recognition that they matter; we value, care, and trust them! It is going beyond our own myopic way to see the greater horizon and reality that involves others because we are created for communion and relationship, and no man is an island. It is the embrace of a long-term relationship and partnership instead of simply focusing on short-term fixes, aspirations, goals, results, or desires. It is the desire to slow down and look at those who are around us to care for, lift up, and go together instead of going by ourselves at the expense of others. It is the desire to open up, communicate, and respect others, instead of using them or looking at them as problems or matters to deal with. Reconciliation is beautiful and life-giving when it is intentional and personal because it reminds us that we cannot do it alone, and this life journey is a long marathon instead of a short sprint!

Moving from the general understanding of reconciliation toward a more personal and relational setting, I would like to introduce an image of a home. Nine out of ten times when I asked a couple when did their relationship begin to fall apart, it is almost always when they begin to let work and other lesser priorities make them distracted, worried, or take precedence in life instead of remembering who are important in their lives and the reason why they need to return home each and every day! Furthermore, military life complicates this reality because people move all the time, not even counting deployments and missions, which often separate and create tensions in their relationships. Unfortunately, the military, like any corporation or organization, tends not to care about people because it focuses on metric-based results, performance, and output numbers — oftentimes at the expense of others. Many times, leaders do not know how to let go of the gauge according to different seasons and time frames, always expecting more and pushing their people toward the point of being burnt out, or making their people feel like they are not good or part of the team until they give their everything — again, at the cost of their own well-being, relationships, and family life. Furthermore, since our whole American society operates on the principle of utility and is consumed by its vain desire for objectified consumerism, too many of us have drunk the Kool-Aid, which makes us feel like we have to perform, achieve, and do our best in order to prove our worthiness — again, at the cost of our physical, social, mental, and spiritual detriments.

Too many people have forgotten to go home to simply be themselves because they cannot detach from work. They simply come back to a house but never put their work mindset behind, and that is oftentimes perceived as being detached and not present to their loved ones. They give their best to work and leftovers to the people who matter and forget their real reason for living because they let the utilitarian mindset of performance dictate and control their lives. Sadly, home life oftentimes becomes an afterthought, and things begin to fall apart because we have chosen not to live and embrace the people around us with loving care by being present to them! That mentality creeps into how we look at people around us because we begin to judge them only by their worthiness according to our subjective standards. Since we are not content and have deeper understanding of joy, we become critical, frustrated, angry, and resent against the people around us because no one seems to be good enough. We see the imperfections and failures in others but fail to see how we have lost focus on who matters and why it is important to live life instead of operating and performing!

It is so easy to see the cracks on the walls and want to fix them but forget to actually look at the cracks in the foundation of our very home! It is easy to see what is wrong in others instead of looking at how we have forgotten to care, affirm, and give life to them in words and actions. The emotional chasm grows bigger as trust erodes and misunderstanding builds up. Sooner or later, the couple feels like they are two people living in the same house, doing things, going through life, and getting matters resolved, but they feel unseen, unloved, uncared for, and unconsidered by their loved ones. They talk at each other, dismissing or ignoring the other side, but no one is willing to talk and listen to one another!

Thus, this is where reconciliation needs to happen by choosing to personally and willingly build each other up with love by being positive and expressing love in ways that the other side can understand. This is where awareness and intentional practices come in, because these things are not natural to us, but we are willing to practice because the other side deserves it! Our positive affirmation and expression of care in frequency and intensity will help the other side feel seen, respected, loved, and cared for, thus lessening the intensity and frequency of the negative reactions and focus. I am very adamant about asking couples that I counsel to practice life-giving, loving actions before we deal with the problems that are there! I believe that there is no energy and willingness to overcome the misunderstandings, miscommunications, and hurts until both sides feel like they are loved and cared for.

Once reconciliation begins and there is a daily and personal desire to express love, the intensity and frequency of negativity will lessen. Even if there are disagreements and arguments, both sides are more willing to forgive and let go because they remember who loves them and why they are called to care for one another! I do believe that there is an art to argument, and each couple has to learn their own through trial and error, but the intentionality has to be there in order to reconcile and move forward without making molehills into mountains, focusing on secondary matters instead of what is truly important.

It is important to remember that differences are complementary in good times and become tensions in challenging moments. Our world would be boring and super weird if we were surrounded by people who think and act like us! Relationships remind us that our differences complement each other because we help each other see beyond our blind spots, imperfections, and limitations. It gets challenging throughout different seasons because life is messy, and additional factors oftentimes creep in and make us blindsided, myopic, and tense. Just like a home, our relationship needs constant upkeep and repairs because that is how things organically exist in life. Differences become divisive, detrimental, and tense when we choose to be wound up tight and forget the real reason to live and the people around us in our lives.

Life is imperfect, and that is why relationships are always messy and in constant need of reconciliation. Too often, we tend to overcomplicate things or unrealistically expect other people to do better instead of slowing down, stepping back, and recognizing how we can be a contributing factor in those tensions. Let us learn how to seek reconciliation on the general and personal levels because God has given us that perfect example of forgiveness every time we receive the Sacrament of Reconciliation. None of us are perfect, but that does not mean that life is not worth living and there is no need for good there. On the contrary, we must learn to let go and die to our desire to have things our way in order to embrace the fellowship of imperfect people and the relationship of meaningful communion with one another. Of course, all of these things sound so nice and wonderful until we see the personal costs of what it really takes to reconcile, understand, and love one another! Indeed, it is not easy, but it is definitely worthwhile because we have received it so many times over from the One who never gives up, loves, forgives, and reconciles us to Himself so we can know our belovedness, be loved and love, thus living this wondrous reality in our everyday life in preparation for eternal life with Him and others in heaven.