First, a blessed and happy Solemnity of the Annunciation to all!
I think many — if not all — of us struggle with patience, learning how to be patient with ourselves and with God. Living in such a consumeristic society, we get everything delivered, prepared, and ready for us in a short time. We complain when we cannot get our packages delivered within one or two days of ordering. We groaned when the internet or wireless network was not fast enough. We get displeased when the line is too long or when someone is slow. We have become very impatient people, and we have failed to recognize the loving patience of God, who is still at work in us just as He is working on others.
When we want something, we often want it now! Not only that, we want it our way, too. Nevertheless, things do not always come as perfectly as we would like them to be. Much more than things, human beings are imperfect, limited, and messy at times. Therefore, to recognize that each and every one of us is a work in progress, for the grace of God is still at work in forming us, is the most basic but hardest thing to learn and relearn throughout our lives. One of my good priest friends and personal confidant in spiritual matters often likes to remind me, “Be patient with yourself and with God!” As someone who is still struggling with the imperfections of life, I try to remind myself that God loves me even in my own imperfections.
Many of you know (and I joked about it from time to time) that I am a recovering perfectionist. Due to my cultural and personal upbringings, I learned to cope and live with a false sense of perfectionism. As the first child and an immigrant, a lot was expected and needed to be done. I did not want to get disciplined for making mistakes, so I sought to become a perfectionist simply to avoid getting into trouble. There were times that I was borderline scrupulous and OCD, oftentimes double and triple-checking myself and my every action, worrying about how things need to be in order to have them perfect (or so they will not be screwed up). I lived with this self-created image of myself for the longest time ever, but I could never understand why I was never happy. I was so critical of others, too. However, I knew deep down from within that this was not the solution because I was not happy. There needed to be something more! I sought help through years of spiritual direction and formation. The Lord was patient with me as I was working through my own problems, failures, false self-images, and fears of not being in control. He showed me, time after time, what it meant to simply be loved by God without having to prove myself. He taught me to be kind, patient, and forgiving of myself and others, too.
Furthermore, as a recovering perfectionist and workaholic, I struggle every day and constantly have to check myself from overworking. I often go through sporadic periods of weight gain because I do not watch what I eat and how much time I need to exercise. When I begin to get too busy, not only is my physical health affected, but my spiritual awareness also becomes dull. When I get distracted and filled with numerous worries about what needs to be done, both my physical and spiritual health decline. When I forget to take care of my physical health with proper exercise and eating habits, I often end up short-tempered, more anxious, worried, irritated, and tired. Even though I do not show my irritations and anxieties (around my parishioners for their own sake), I can sense the daily stress and pressure build-up. Hence, when I get too tired and worried, I tend to slack off, get half-hearted, and distracted in my prayer time with God. Even though I always try to be faithful to my prayer, those things caused me to be so distracted that my heart is sometimes not fully immersed in it.
I pray even when I am worried, anxious, and tired because I know I have to be faithful to what I have promised on the day of ordination, which is to be faithful in prayer for the people of God. My spiritual director also told me to never skip prayer because he said, “The day that you stop worrying and praying for your vocation is the day that you lose it.” I always kept his words at heart and prayed for the grace of perseverance and faithfulness to my vocation because I know how weak and vulnerable I can get without the grace of God. Yet, distractions and worries can get the best of us when we come to prayer. When we are too filled with many things to do or are too tired to pray, our spiritual senses cannot comprehend and recognize the divine presence in front of us and all around us. Therefore, it is important to calm oneself down and be attentive to what is going on so we can truly know what is going on with us holistically.
Many of us have lost the ability to rest and be recharged holistically because we have not taken the proper time to care for our bodies and spirits. As typical post-modern people, our body and spirit are in a constant state of flux, never having enough space to rest! Relationships break down because we have lost the needed communication and personal touch that comes from the heart. Many break down psychologically and physically because they have forgotten to care for themselves and be attentive to what their psyche and body are telling them. We cannot pray and hear what God has to say if we never have enough time to open up and to use our spiritual senses to listen, see, feel, and touch Him and the working of His grace in our lives. We often are too tired when we come to relationships and prayer; therefore, both sides of the human and spiritual relationships suffer greatly. Therefore, it is important to know that perhaps what our soul and our body are trying to tell us is that something has to change! We cannot simply go on as we had before if whatever we have been doing is slowly breaking us down, destroying us from all sides, and unhappily bringing us to where we are today.
In learning that relationship takes time, people are messy, and it is important to be patient with ourselves and others, we become instrumental in God‘s loving plan instead of trying to be in control, frustrated, resentful, or angry when things do not go our way. Perhaps other people will seem to have everything together or be able to handle whatever is going on in our lives, while we are still messy and struggling with many repetitive failures and shortcomings. Each and every one of us has our own struggles, hardships, and trials to embrace that perhaps no one else will know except our very own selves and the Almighty. Therefore, let us be attentive, patient, trusting, and humbly receiving God‘s grace in our very own lives, and let that loving joy change us deep from within.
Peace begins with us because we know that faith is not a one-time, short-term, or temporary thing to attain but a lifelong journey of transformation. God never gives up on us, even when we cannot love ourselves and others; therefore, let us also be gentle, kind, and supportive of those who are still struggling with their own faith journeys and transformative discipleship. Just as God has been forgiving, patient, and loving toward us, let us be kind and loving toward others who are genuinely seeking the truth. Anger, impatience, and frustrations are oftentimes signs of a reminder that we need to be more prayerful, grounded, and loving with our words and actions, life, and deeds. While the emotional or sentimental ups and downs are parts of our normal daily struggles, we should not operate consistently — day in and day out — with those negative factors and attitudes because we are the instruments instead of the controllers of His loving grace.
May our imperfections lead us to greater humility in recognizing that God‘s infinite love is so powerful that He loves us even when we could not love ourselves. May our human weaknesses and struggles remind us that grace is still at work even though we would like to be perfect, in control, or have things handled as we would have liked. May we recognize our finitude and its limitations as to trust in the Creator and His continual sanctifying grace at work for those who are simple, trusting, humble, and persevering enough to stay the course. Indeed, it is not the perfect, fitted, or whoever seems to have it all who will win the race in the short term, but those who persevered, trusting and humbly walking with God until the end, who win the everlasting crown of Heaven. Therefore, let us be patient with ourselves and let Him be at work in each and every one of us so He can bring into fulfillment what He has begun in us with His loving grace.