Even though I am a celibate man, much of my ministry involves marriage and relationship counseling. Even though I am not a married man, I often have to listen to many people who are struggling with other people and how to relate to them. Many counselors, writers, and therapists have written many books and given many talks about relationship and marriage issues. Instead of trying to replicate what they had to say in a ministerial way, I will try to share with you what I have seen and learned as a priest.
I once heard a marriage counselor say something that is still stuck in my mind today: “At the heart of love is the spirit of giving.” I could not agree more! If you think about it, a lot of marriage problems are caused by people allowing negative feelings like resentment, anger, frustration, and other emotions to take over due to miscommunication, misunderstanding, or rupture caused by a crisis (instead of trying to be vulnerable, transparent, and open about how to overcome those challenges). Marriage often ends when people have too many unrealistic expectations and demands of their spouses but do not know how to communicate love and appreciation with one another, so they begin to let reactive and resentful words and actions eat away at their marriage.
Generally speaking, we become little babies or egocentric tyrants when we make demands and expectations instead of dialogue in order to understand and grow in effective maturity, compassion, empathy, and powerful affirmation of each other. It is so important to know the other side instead of standing on our very own pedestal to look down, judge, expect, and demand of others without lifting a finger to really care, communicate, appreciate, and love the other side. Being attentive and willingly paying attention to the other side are some of the greatest and most valuable gifts of self that we can give to the people that we care about and love! We can create quality time with one another instead of going through the motions and being distracted by the usual matters. Simply put, spending time and getting to know one another shows that the couple continues to enjoy being in each other’s company and is willing to make time for the person.
Too oftentimes, we have allowed this fake Hollywood version of “perfect” and “happily ever after” love to creep in and make us think that we have to constantly be in this lovey-dovey, euphoric-based, and sentimental version of “being in love” dictates what love really is. Romantic obsession is not real love, because that only lasts so long before the other side begins to irritate us. We can be altruistic for a short moment to wow and woo someone, but our humanity and its brokenness will always creep in to challenge that illusion. Real love is much more than something that is externally fanciful, obsessive, or seems to be romantic because it requires discipline, sacrifice, and the self-giving gift for the good of the other. It involves the act of the will, not just a choice, emotion, or sentiment, in order to die to ourselves at times and make a personal effort to know, understand, empathize, be open, and have compassion for the other person. It requires a personal vulnerability and effort to will the good of the other, knowing that the gift of ourselves is genuine, personal, and real so that we might feel accepted when it is reciprocated and appreciated by the other side.
Of course, there will be times when our love will not be received well, especially when the other side is struggling through life or going through his or her own personal crisis, but this is when personal intentionality has to come in so that we can continue to be faithful and choose to love, trying our best to express that decision in our own personal and appropriate ways. Hence, it goes back to that very definition that the heart of love is the spirit of giving oneself in a real, genuine, transparent, honest, personal, and intimate way — even when it hurts. Criticizing the other side seems to be the easiest thing to do, but it will not solve the problem or create the willingness to love.
As a matter of fact, the people who tend to criticize their spouse most loudly are in the area where they subconsciously feel the most emotional needs. It takes trust, humility, as well as courage to unpack and ask for clarification. We tend to become critical of the other person for what we are lacking or desire deeply from within! It is easier to point the finger and put the blame on others instead of humbling ourselves to say that we desire, yearn, and want something instead of demanding and expecting unrealistic things.
We have to recognize, especially as men, that true love requires attention to detail, attentiveness to the spouse’s needs, and requires empathy in seeing the world and struggles from their side, too. Encouragement, affirmation, and the gift of presence are some of the most genuine and heartfelt gifts that we give to the one that we love! It is easy to perpetuate the vicious cycle of reactionary behaviors when we allow anger and resentment to become the only basis of emotional expressions and typical methods of “justified” actions instead of understanding and forgiveness. Hence, the manner in which we communicate and choose to express compassion, forgiveness, and a desire for reconciliation is very crucial and permits the possibility of true love instead of complaining and reacting with perceived negativity.
It is sad to see that many couples want to be loved by the other side, but they do not spend the time to express and learn how to love in a way their spouse can understand or able to appreciate it. Too oftentimes, as egocentric human beings, we would rather expect the other side to meet our demands and expectations at all costs instead of learning how to grow, see, understand, and reconcile with each other’s differences. Instead of owning up to the times that we have screwed up and made mistakes, it seems to be easier to keep a score of wrongs and failures. We often forget that none of us are perfect. We have all done and said hurtful things to our loved ones because we do not always do the best or right thing. Even though we cannot erase the past, we do have the possibility of confessing our mistakes, agreeing that they were wrong, and asking for forgiveness in order to learn and try to act differently in the future.
That is why forgiveness is so important in marriage because too many insist and constantly like to bring up past mistakes without realizing that we all make mistakes and continue to mess up every day. We have been in arguments and heated exchanges where the other side would never forgive or allow us to make amends and learn from mistakes because they were too busy pointing out our past failures. Nonetheless, the best thing we can do with the failures of the past is to let them be history. Even though they certainly hurt, we can accept them as history and choose to forgive when the other side is admitting his or her wrongdoings. It is a powerful choice to live today free from the failures of yesterday, to show mercy, and not to hold past offenses against the offender. It is not easy, but we do have the power to say, “You are my spouse, and I choose to forgive you so we can move forward from here.”
The one thing that many dense people do not tend to get is that their spouses do not really need them to be there to solve the apparent problems! Many times, they desire to be listened to, to be given the needed attention, and to know that we can sympathize with what they are going through. They need us to be present, not to solve the problem, because being there tells them that they are not alone and they are loved by us. We speak louder than our words when we choose to be present, listen, sympathize, and relate to them as they share their struggles through their very own gift of themselves! Our presence is that very symbol and manifestation of that caring love and thought because genuine and invaluable gifts cannot be measured by quantifiable means. We might not always have the answer or be able to take the pains and sufferings away, but it is that thoughtful presence and willingness to care that become the personal expression of love.
St. Mother Teresa’s advice to do small things with great love can be applied in many marital relationships. Genuine acts of service done with intentionality, especially with greater love and understanding, are worth more than any quantifiable and purchasable matters because they are personal expressions of the quality of love. Dr. Gary Chapman popularized these methods through his five love languages: words of affirmation, acts of service, receiving gifts, quality time, and physical touch. You can read up on his thoughts and advice, as well as others’ suggestions and tips, but it does take a personal awareness and desire to love in order to do small things with great love for our loved ones.
Marriage, just like any other vocation, is a journey of letting go of ourselves, learning to grow where we have been called and planted, and responding to His grace in loving those who are around us with intentional, self-giving, and sacrificial love. Love is not something that is initial, temporary, or shallow on the outside; it requires us to die to ourselves, our ego, and our desire to be in control in order to appreciate, empower, and learn to love those who are around us by recognizing their gifts, blessings, and potentials. In dying to ourselves and becoming more like Christ, we can choose to give ourselves totally and completely to them as we are able and as they are able to receive us. Therefore, do not be afraid to learn, grow, dialogue, forgive, and be able to love and serve one another out of love, in love, and for love.
(Part 1 of 3)