On this feast day of the Exaltation of the Holy Cross and in preparation to celebrate the beatification of soon-to-be Blessed Archbishop Fulton J. Sheen, I would like to highlight the words he said in his last Good Friday sermon: “There has been physical suffering. And other kinds … but as I look back over the years, I have never received the punishment I deserved. God has been easy with me. He has never laid on me burdens equal to my faith.” In those four short sentences, filled with so many unspoken sentiments and inexpressible emotions, the good Archbishop expressed many years of emotional, psychological, and spiritual suffering from the fallout with his superior, Cardinal Spellman. Perhaps both sides had their own versions of the story, but many can observe that his life was dramatically changed by many of the decisions and influences by the Cardinal. Nonetheless, that statement also showed his genuine humility and faith in the good Lord! To be honest, I was not expecting to be emotional when I heard him say that part, but it hits all the right feels because I could relate to many aspects of that short statement in my own faith journey.
While hindsight is always 20/20 and I can see how God was at work and helped me to overcome those challenges in my life, it was physically, emotionally, psychologically, and spiritually draining and stressful to undergo those moments. Discouragements, temptations, and desolations creep in and make me feel like God was not present, and my mind began to play its own drama with defensive pity or a negative outlook on what was happening. When things do not go our way, it is always easy to create mountains from molehills and somehow begin to think badly of others or the situation. Stress also affects physical well-being because the body does not react well to an upset internal balance and harmony. The emotional toll affects sleep as well as clear thinking because our mind begins to focus on the problem, wanting to solve it or find a way to let it go, but cannot do so, so it keeps getting fixated on that psychological myopia!
When the Archbishop said that God had been easy with him, and the Lord never laid on him burdens equal to his faith nor received the punishment he thought he deserved. Those words hit hard! Tears, out of nowhere, just naturally flowed out of my eyes. Indeed, the Lord has been good to me… even in my darkest days, hardest trials, and most trying hours, He has been and will always be faithful to me. Those moments were hard, but they purified my life so I could hold on to Him even more. Those moments were providentially permitted when I was holding on to worldly things or became too preoccupied with my own will, desires, or wants, thinking that I was doing God‘s will (even if they were pious), or imposed on me because someone perhaps thought that they were doing the right thing. I had been accused of many things I did not even do, but because I was thought to be associated with or to have done something that was against those who were in leadership positions. I was punished for being disobedient or being out of line when they thought I was trying to “outshine” or cut their authority short, when I was simply doing the best that I was able to fulfill the duties and responsibilities to caring for those who were entrusted to me. I was called unfit and unqualified, and was labeled as a bad influence to avoid.
All those things were emotionally hurtful and personally painful to accept, and there were times I thought the only thing I cherished and would ever want to be — simply to be a priest — was threatened and going to be taken away. Through all those moments, I just had to learn to let go, stop trying to prove or justify myself to others because I wanted to change their perception of me, and to simply be humble, genuine, and honest with myself as best as I am able. I also had to accept that we are all imperfect and broken, and no matter how much we try, we can and will fall short on loving each other. This world is imperfect, and the Devil can use and twist our weaknesses against one another, even with the best of intentions. Therefore, pains and sufferings are unavoidable, but God is faithful, and His mercy endures forever.
There was a lot of anger, frustration, sadness, and tears throughout those hard moments. I really wanted to give up on praying, and there were times when I was really tempted to walk away because it was too painful to endure, but I somehow held on because I knew my heart would not allow me to abandon God. There were times when I thought the Almighty was punishing me or had abandoned me, but He was providentially putting the right people in my life to help me through the storms. He loved me in my lowest moments and worst days when I did not deserve to be loved. He remained faithful to me, not removing the crosses, trials, and hardships, but giving me the strength to endure, as well as the people to walk alongside me.
There were many doors that were closed, and many times when I had to leave and start over again. They really suck to embrace in those present moments, but those were providentially purifying times, for sure! I had to learn to let go of control and radically trust in Him and His timing. There were times when I felt like I was stuck in the no-man’s-land or waiting room for a long time without any knowledge of whether anything would work out at all, but they helped me to radically trust in Him and be willing to let Him guide me through the uncertain and unknown chapters. Even today, I still feel out of place and uncertain of what my future might hold because the military standards are changing rapidly, and I am getting older each day to be in tip-top shape! It is stressful and discouraging at times, but I embrace the uncertainty each day as I am able, learning to trust in Him. I am imperfect but have been perfectly loved by God, which is more than what I could ever imagine or deserve!
I might not know what might happen or how to handle many things in my life, but I can choose to focus on WHO loves me and calls me to Himself each day, and WHY I have to trust in Him and try my best to be a priest. I am far from perfect. I still struggle in my own faith journey each and every day. I have my doubts and moments of failure and weakness, but I am who I am because of the grace of God. Nonetheless, He has been so good to me, never judging me as I deserved, but loving and forgiving me as I am. I would not be where I am today if it were not for Him and His goodness. Even though I might not know what might happen next, I just have to trust that it has always been the same God who has been good and faithful to me… and if I was able to conquer the uncertain moments of my past with His grace, I can continue to persevere and overcome as best as I am able in the present moment and future. Things might not be perfect or as I want them to be, but that does not mean that there is no goodness, tender love, and saving grace there! All things are permitted for good, and only He can see it further than what my human, feeble, and limited mind can wrap and understand at the moment.
When we read the lives of the saints, we immediately see that the Archbishop‘s experience was not solely unique to him. I also personally see that my own experiences of trial, tribulation, hardship, pain, and suffering were not unique to me. As a matter of fact, the most intimate and personal experience of joy and suffering is universally relatable to those who went before us and those who are around us. So many people suffer in silence, offering their pain and hardships for the salvation of souls, praying for those who are lost, feel abandoned, are filled with despair, or have given up on life. If you really think about it, this is where the unexplainable strength and grace came from… from the communion of saints who are praying for us and with us, so we can, in turn, pray for them and with them as we spiritually help each other to get to our heavenly homeland. Indeed, the Lord has been good to us, giving us for one another for the journey home. Furthermore, even in our worst trials, nothing could compare to the immense betrayal, rejection, and suffering the good Lord endured for our salvation! Yet, He embraced all of that to remind us that we are worth loving, redeeming, and saving, and He personally chose to lay down His life so that we can have eternal life.
The words of Blessed Fulton Sheen unexpectedly moved me, so I thought I would write a short reflection to share my own personal faith journey with you. It is far from perfect, but I hope that my struggles can be an encouragement for you… Please do not give up on God! Life is very messy, and people are imperfect. We will continue to hurt one another, even with the best intentions and desires, but that is where love and forgiveness can be put into practice as we choose to let go and will the good of others. Indeed, God has always been good and easy on us. His mercy is more than what we can ever understand or comprehend, and given way more than what we should deserve. Therefore, no matter where you are and what you are struggling with at the moment, remember your WHO and WHY and allow God to be with you in the messy HOW and WHAT.
Please pray for me as I am for you…